Today is a big day… good things are happening…
It’s like a wish… I can’t tell you or it won’t come true…
But trust me it’s good stuff…
Today is a big day… good things are happening…
It’s like a wish… I can’t tell you or it won’t come true…
But trust me it’s good stuff…
I don’t feel quite as crazy today. Yesterday I felt really crazy when I got home from work. Too many memories came swirling back upon me.
And I remembered something else that I don’t really want to talk about, but maybe I ought to.
So I guess this is as good a place as any.
I was almost molested once.
It was when I first moved to the city and I had just moved into my place. I was still naive and wet behind the ears. I didn’t believe that anybody could do anything wrong. I thought everybody was nice and happy and friendly. And one day I met this person that said they have some pot and asked if I would want to buy it. And well, I did, where I had come from there was a certain honor among people that smoked dope, you kind of looked out for each other. You might sell a light bag here or there or nip a bud or two if you the middle man, but you never actively tried to hurt the other person.
Well this person had lured me over to a park and they were talking to me and I kept asking about the pot, but they were telling me to relax. And they started to reach for me and they kind of touched me like on the leg and it made me really uncomfortable and set off all kinds of alarms and I got the hell out of there.
I realize now what was going on and I would never put myself in that position again. I guess that was when the city really started getting inside of me. I guess that’s when I started growing up and seeing the world for the place it can be.
The person was this transvestite that I used to see from time to time on the street. I always felt weird around them after that, but not because they were a trans person, but because they were a predator and I knew just how vulnerable I was in that situation and how wrong it could’ve gone. I remembered that this morning. I wish I hadn’t. I hadn’t thought of that in years.
And on top of everything else it really fucks me up.
But maybe somebody fucked them up.
All I know is that I have learned from my experiences, but they do not define me. I can always change. I can give up stuff that doesn’t work. I can try to do new things. I can learn from my mistakes. I can try to heal. I can try to learn to love.
We all can. I am no more special than you are, but make no mistake, I think you are SPECIAL!
So go out and be great. And change the things you can and accept the things you can’t.
Love who you are, because I am starting to… or I am trying to..
We are together in the sun. We had such a great day. We sit on the hill and the sun is going down. It’s a sea of lavenders, pinks and soft orange-reds. And you hold my hand. And I hold your head in my lap. I’m gazing down into your beauty. I see something I like and in the gleam from my eye the foam of my soul goes deep inside. It coalesces with what is beautiful about you. It is something honest. It’s a feeling, that never goes away, no matter how far you go. It’ll trail out from you dancing in the wind like a kite string. When I tell you these nonsense words, when I tell you these silly things, it makes you smile and I die, but in that good way, where life is the lie; we never go away.
I love you,
When you go to sleep, you awake all alone, but for a tiny note, resting on your pillow, next to your hair-soft head,
I’ve been really negative tonight.
I’m not really negative.
I’m not giving up.
I’m not alone.
Things aren’t as bad as they seem.
Tomorrow will be better.
I can still write.
I can still find the words.
I have that possibility.
My next word…
might just be exactly the right one.
My next set of words might just change the world.
Or maybe I just changed yours.
Maybe one day you’ll change mine.
I hope so.
And you know what they say about hope…
It sings eternal…
I know that’s not how it goes…
but maybe it should…
My cat just ran up and grabbed a cellophane wrapper from my desk and ran after it. He like to chew on them. I guess they feel good when he bites on them. I always worry he’s going to choke to death on the stupid things. And so I chase after him darting around trying to catch him. And I can’t. He darts under the bed behind boxes of comics and I can’t get to him. But I move the boxes and dive under the bed anyway, but I can’t quite fit. This stupid shirt is holding me back… FUCK! Why does it have to be so hard? I just finally collapsed. And I felt like I wouldn’t get up. I just kind of gave up. It was just a moment, but I gave up in that moment. And I just can’t win today. But I need to stay awake, because tomorrow I go in late and this will be my bit to be myself.
I don’t know…
Want an outlet where I don’t feel sad..
I like when it’s night time, because you can’t tell if the sky is sad anymore…
Kind of like when it rains…
and it’s okay to cry…
even all alone…
So, I was at the grocery store today. I had just come from this Queer meeting, which was pretty cool for the most part. It was supposed to be just trans-folk talking about trans stuff, but it wasn’t quite that. There were a lot of folk that showed up that I thought were kind of rude. They were not respectful of what we were talking about, they weren’t being mean, but just kind of inconsiderate by talking over people. It really made me have a lot of anxiety. I am having a lot of anxiety lately because I haven’t had anything to drink in about five days. I feel rough, but I’ll survive. I did this to myself and I can undo it to myself, by myself, though I don’t have to. But I can.
I came home from the Queer meeting and it was kind of late in the city. I don’t really like to be out alone in the city by myself. I also didn’t have my cell phone, so again I felt a great deal of anxiety. But I realized that I have to dress up for work tomorrow and I realized I have to shave tomorrow. I’m not looking forward to either. But in order to get my good clothes ready I had to go to the grocery store, which is just a bit out of the way, to get clothes detergent. So I went to the grocery store. And I got some detergent and some food that I wanted to eat. I went walking down the girl isle…
I really like walking down the girl isle and looking at all the things. I am starting to feel more comfortable there, well, I was until tonight. I stopped to look at this bottle of Nair and I was reading how it worked, because I really hate my body hair and shaving can be a big hassle when you have to shave your entire body. Well this guy came stalking down the isle and he was big and I just felt so self conscious and anxious that I put the bottle down and started moving down the isle, but he started following me and he got really close and I just got so scared. I’ve had stuff like this happen before. And it’s always scary. Because he was just so close and an aggressiveness poured off of him in waves. I started to turn and my breath caught because he started to turn my same way. I didn’t know what to do. I was so scared. Then he turned to the cashier and started kind of getting loud with her. I disappeared: away; quickly!
I got some more stuff because I didn’t want him to meet up with me outside in case he felt like saying I love you with his fists. Eventually I got all my stuff and I left. I was walking home feeling a bit nervous, but okay. I was just hoping I could make it home. Then there was this other guy who was walking about half a block behind me. I was aware of him. Then he was walking quickly. And I started walking quicker. He continued to walk quicker. I could only hear every other step, but every step I heard he was closer. I got to this point on the sidewalk and I KNEW what was about to happen. He was going to grab me. I could just feel it. I could that in the next moment his arm was going to slip around my waist and pull me close. And I wouldn’t be able to run. I wouldn’t be able to do anything. My hands were full of groceries. I was terrified. At the last moment, for whatever reason, he decided not to do it and he backed off.
I got away.
But not unscathed. It unlocked some memories that had been hidden in my head. I got mugged once. Two guys came up behind me and one of them grabbed my head and bounced it off the concrete. While I was unconscious they robbed me. I could remember the details of this experience, but only as a report, like they were events that happened to somebody else. This bit of terror that I felt… it made me remember the feeling. It all came flooding back. And I just got in the house and I was scared. I’m still scared. Those people will never realize what they really stole from me that night and it’s something I can’t get back.
Some idiot broke his pipe on Friday night. The building was swarming with shouting firefighters would would only reply: “Pipe burst.” When I asked if everything was okay. I was so worried I would have to leave my place. I was worried about my cat’s safety. I was worried about my safety. These were big guys. What would happen if they came in and looked around my apartment looking for possible leaks and found a bunch of dresses? What would they have done? Shit like that is scary.
I feel like crying right now.
But I can’t.
This is hard.
Why does it have to be so hard?
Will you help me?
Will you hold me, just for a while?
Can I cry to you?
Will you think ill of me if I soak your shoulder with my tears?
Will you hug me tight?
Tell me it’s alright?
Will you stroke my hair?
Will you rub my back?
Will you make it all okay?
So I just finished watching Monster Squad for god only knows how many times. That movie always reminds me of a simpler time in my life. I think that every time I watch it I either feel great nostalgia for the period of time when I last watched or I remember the lessons I take away every time I see that flick. This time was no different.
Growing up I was a weird kid. I liked to read, which even back then was really strange to the kids my age. I didn’t really have any friends. I had one friend, a best friend, but he went to a different school, so a lot of my time at school was pretty lonely. The other kids would make fun of me for being a nerd for being smart. They would laugh at me and call me gay or a queer (oh, really, now). Sometimes they would even throw rocks at me.
Back then as now I liked to retreat into a good book whenever I could. I remember the first time I read Frankenstein it was an abridged copy because I was in the fourth grade at the time, but it really resonated with me. Frankenstein’s Monster was the first character in a book that I really related with. I completely understood this poor creature that just wanted to be loved and accepted, but he was ostracized because of the body that he inhabited. It’s not like he asked to be made up of a bunch of dismembered corpses crudely stitched together, but that was his existence. After reading the full version of the book years later I realized it was more about man’s desire to usurp God’s role in creation and that subsequently that ended with his creation seeking revenge upon him for the existence that was thrust upon him. But I still like to think about the character in terms of my simple childhood views.
Monster Squad always makes me realize why I felt that way about the character and why I related to him so strongly even if I did not fully realize the exact thing until tonight. It makes so much sense to me that I would relate to this character because he was inhabiting a body that people thought was scary, but he didn’t want to be scary he just wanted to be loved for who he was. He wanted his worth to be decided by his actions. And well, he had a few friends and people who were on his side, but ultimately it is always going to end up with a bunch of inbred hill billies chasing you into a windmill with torches.
But it doesn’t always have to be that way. We should all strive for something better. And I can do better with accepting things I don’t understand, I’m only human, I still make mistakes and I still fail from time to time.
I love you. In case you don’t get the signature ending…
And we might not even know each other, but maybe we are trying to.
Maybe that’s all that counts….
It at least counts for something.
(man, it feels good to write that name, every time)
“Hey, who put that bow in your hair?”
“WE ARE GONNA CUT YOUR HAIR!” Seriously, not like, hey you should get a hair cut, but a demand. Thanks, I already don’t have enough control of this body so, let me do what I can.
“Man up.” *sighs*
“Looks like you’ve got to turn in your man card!” Hmmmmm…..
“It’s time to put on your big girl panties.” This I really got no idea about. On one hand maybe I should be kind of offended, on the other… maybe it’s an invitation?
Here’s one I like….
“Hey did you get a look at that queer?” Which one? That one or the one you’re talking to?
Some people are dumb.
Some people are ignorant.
Some people are jerks.
I don’t think you should get to be all three.
At least not in the same breath, anyways…
It’s for everybody…
And it may combat stupidity…
Okay, I am sick and tired and now obviously delirious.
I am back. The last time I was here I said I was running away and I guess that is what I did. I ran from every aspect of my life for the last few weeks. It probably doesn’t seem like that to a lot of people. I had decided the next day that I couldn’t run away from all the people in my life, because well, they would be worried and they would be sad. So I ran away from myself inside. I was making such good progress, but then I felt like I had to hide this beautiful person that I am away. I was scared. That’s kind of my natural reaction to fear. I still am scared. Sometimes I am more scared than I have ever been. I am scared of losing myself, not in some drastic physical way, but that real, true connection to myself that exists inside. I fold myself up at work sometimes and I hide deep down, I hide who I really am.
I do it with it friends, I do it with family. I hate doing that, but I don’t feel like anybody really gets the whole thing. Sometimes, I’m not sure I get the whole thing. So I am giving people what I think they can handle. And maybe that is wrong for both me and them. Maybe I’m mucking up their freedom of choice or mine or I am not allowing myself to be myself or express myself. And I guess there are times and places when I can be who I feel like I am, whoever that may be in the moment, but there are just simple little things that make me realize I’m never going to feel completely comfortable in my own skin, because other people aren’t going to accept me being in my own skin.
And that completely sucks.
But okay, whatever.
I am going to keep working on it and I am going to try to find myself again and reclaim that and own it and define it in my terms. I am going to own my Truth. And I am going to make sure that I love myself. I am going to tell myself I am beautiful when nobody else thinks so, or at least they don’t vocalize it. I am going to tell myself that I am beautiful especially when I don’t feel that I am or I don’t believe it, because really that’s what I want. I want to be beautiful. But I don’t want to beautiful because I can fit into a certain mold or role that is expected of me. I want to be beautiful because that’s what I want to be.
So if that’s what I want to be, that’s what I have to think right?
I think so.
Anyways, sorry for the mondo-freak-out.
And sorry for being a bitch.