Hopeful and Artistic

I am feeling better lately. I am really working hard to get out of my life what I want. There have been a ton of sad moments and moments where I felt a great amount of defeat, but as ever I am moving onward. I am trying to go forward and find a brighter future.

I hope your world is well.

Love Always,
Noely

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Sad.

It always sucks losing people.  Even if it’s your decision.  Even if it’s what’s best.  Even if it’s the right thing to do.  There is still hurt.  There has been a lot of big hurt lately.  It breaks my heart.  But I am trying…. I am trying… oh so hard… to get better… to do my best.  

I am thankful, grateful and filled with hope, love and joy by all the people who have stuck around and been supportive.  

Thanks, 

Love Always, 

Noely

Wow!

Well it has been a year since I joined WordPress.  That’s pretty cool.  It is always awesome when we see those little milestones where we can take a look back and see where we have been.  Thanks for all the love and support.  It has meant the world to me and made my life a little brighter.  

I am trying really hard right now to take care of myself and figure out where I desire to be.  

I hope your world is bright and filled with love!  

 

Love Always, 

Noely 

*Insert Clever Title Here*

Today was a really hard day.  It was filled with a lot of loneliness and sadness.  And there was the guy who basically threatened to end my life and I see this guy EVERYWHERE.  It was really disturbing, but maybe what was more disturbing was how my mind responded to the threat.  There wasn’t any fear, that’s for sure.  With the way things are going…. Well, I guess finishing that sentence is probably a bad idea.  

I’m really worried about a lot of things right now.  My health is a major concern right now.  There is something that is really troubling going on in my body lately.  It could be nothing, but then again it could be something deadly serious.  I really would like to go to the doctor about it, but my insurance can’t seem to get their act together and send me what I need.  It’s all very troubling.  

There is a friend of mine that I haven’t really been seeing eye to eye with of late.  It really bothers me.  I know that he is going through a lot right, but we just don’t seem to connect like we used to.  It’s really troubling.  Like losing an anchor or a piece of yourself.  I’ve never really been good at making friends.  I have a couple, but more and more just seem out the door, these days.  

Next Friday is a big day.  It’s a day that I look forward to and dread at the same time.  This year is completely different.  A lot has changed.  I really don’t need another marker showing just exactly how far I fallen in such a short amount of time.  I am really troubled today.  I shouldn’t be writing.  

Some days it is easy to hope.  Some days it is easy to love.  Some days it is easy to understand.  Some days are filled with sweet scented lullabies and beautiful, inspired dreaming.  

Some days it is hard to see past everything that is falling apart.  Some days it seems like nothing will get better.  Some days it just seems like everyone is laughing at you.  Some days it seems like they are lying and hiding secrets.  Some days it is really hard to hope.  

I guess everybody has days like that.  I hope they balance out in the long run.  I hope you are having more good than bad, knowing more love than hate.  

Have a sweet dream for me, please.  

Love Always,

Noely

 

Been A While

I know that I haven’t been around in a long time.  I hope that, that changes soon.  Things have just been getting worse all the time.  There have been some really scary days and months since I was last here.  I am trying really, really hard to find myself and stay positive, but it has been a great challenge.  I think that things might be about to change for me.  I feel like, for the first time in a long time that there might be some brightness in my future.  I feel like one day soon I will be able to continue my path of self discovery without feeling shame or revulsion.  I hope one day there will be complete acceptance for everyone no matter what truth calls to them.  I have recently made some very significant changes in my life and I feel better than I have in quite some time.  There are good days and there are days where I get really sad.  There are moments when I feel completely and utterly alone.  There are times when I feel like there is no one left to reach out to.  It’s a rough place to live.  I long for a brighter day, for me and for you.  

Until that day, 

Love Always, 

Noely

Right Back Where I’m From….

Well, it’s been a long time… I’m sorry about that… I just haven’t felt very me, in a long time.  I still don’t.  There are the way that people appear and the way that they really are on the inside.  Most people, I guess, have at least a place that they can express both sides of themselves, and I used to, but that’s all fallen away.  This new job that I’ve taken is really masculine.  They wouldn’t even know what to do if I expressed my feminine side to them.  I know that I wouldn’t be accepted and in all likelihood I would be discriminated against and probably fired.  I don’t want to get fired, I really need this job even if it is just a means to an end.  I just hope that end in not my own.  I feel like I’ve been set back, no longer am I even trying to discover who I am, because it’s no help, it only makes me sad because it’s just one thing I cannot be.  When am I going to find my place and get out of these menial jobs where I am about as respected as a talking monkey?  Okay, a talking monkey would probably get more respect, because monkeys don’t usually talk, but I just want to scream!  

I got hurt last night at work.  Today was my first day off and I had to spend it laid up, trying to get better before my next shift.  The muscle in my calf is all torn to hell and back.  It is a lot like rolling your knee, which I’ve done many times before, but this is so different.  I worked twelve hours yesterday, with no heat, and hurting, I never sat down once after the accident that hurt me.  I just kept working because that is what is expected of me.  I slept all day, so I basically wasted one of my days off, but I do feel better.  I will be able to get through the next week.  But things are so hard.  I don’t feel like it is normal to just be hanging on waiting to get through, it’s not normal to expend all this energy simply enduring and only coming through feeling tired, lost, alone, and depressed.  

This is the bleakest depression that I have yet known.  Mainly, because there is no one out there to speak to about it.  I can’t just call up and hear a friendly voice.  I can’t just reach out for help whenever I need it.  I am alone now.  That’s the bitch of working nights is that it throws you into this whole new world of temporal isolation.  The girl has been fucking my head all up too.  She is out there living her life, smiling and having a great time.  And I have nothing.  I don’t even know who the fuck I am anymore.  I am trying so hard and everyone keeps coming up with suggestion for things that I just can’t do because I am so stuck… I am so very trapped.  I am being smothered and crushed.  

None of my old work friends will even speak to me… Life is such bullshit right now and I feel like I have no where to turn.  I just want a way out.  

I know I haven’t been around and I know I don’t deserve it, but if you have any words of encouragement, I could really use them…. I’m hanging on by fingertips at this point…

I hope your world is bright,

Filled with love,

Understanding and compassion.  

Love Always,

Noely  

Please read this!

I know I haven’t been around much lately.  And I am sorry for that.  Hopefully I will explain soon, but please click on this link to find out about a very special girl with a big heart and an even bigger dream! 

Hi!

I just signed the petition “American Girl: Release an American Girl with a disability” on Change.org.

It’s important. Will you sign it too? Here’s the link:

http://www.change.org/petitions/american-girl-release-an-american-girl-with-a-disability?share_id=FvLJDHGMhv&utm_campaign=signature_receipt&utm_medium=email&utm_source=share_petition

Thanks!

Love Always,

Noely

Whoa… or Wow… I dunno…

So I had a great Christmas with my family and friends… there is a ton of great news… still feeling lonely, because I’m still alone for the moment…. but I’m happy… and I have a plan… I think it’s a good plan…

 

I hope all of you were able to spend time with family, or at least loved ones… remember sometimes the families we make ourselves are the ones that make us our own…

 

Love Always,

Noely

 

Life.

Life hasn’t been so great lately.  I am working a nice job that is taking a lot to get used to.  Me and the girl split up.  I have no money for Christmas presents.  I am going to get a lot less family time than I would desire for this holiday season.  Things just don’t seem to be going my way.  I feel very confused with every aspect of my life especially who exactly I am and what exactly that means.  But I suppose times of transition are always supposed to be like this.  And that’s what this is a time of transition.  I must stand my ground and look into the burning eyes of the dragon, because that’s all I can do. 

I have to have hope. 

I have to carry the love. 

It’s the best I can do. 

And I am doing my best. 

Never give up! 

I am with you in your struggles as you are with me in mine. 

Love Always,

Noely