Well, it’s been a long time… I’m sorry about that… I just haven’t felt very me, in a long time. I still don’t. There are the way that people appear and the way that they really are on the inside. Most people, I guess, have at least a place that they can express both sides of themselves, and I used to, but that’s all fallen away. This new job that I’ve taken is really masculine. They wouldn’t even know what to do if I expressed my feminine side to them. I know that I wouldn’t be accepted and in all likelihood I would be discriminated against and probably fired. I don’t want to get fired, I really need this job even if it is just a means to an end. I just hope that end in not my own. I feel like I’ve been set back, no longer am I even trying to discover who I am, because it’s no help, it only makes me sad because it’s just one thing I cannot be. When am I going to find my place and get out of these menial jobs where I am about as respected as a talking monkey? Okay, a talking monkey would probably get more respect, because monkeys don’t usually talk, but I just want to scream!
I got hurt last night at work. Today was my first day off and I had to spend it laid up, trying to get better before my next shift. The muscle in my calf is all torn to hell and back. It is a lot like rolling your knee, which I’ve done many times before, but this is so different. I worked twelve hours yesterday, with no heat, and hurting, I never sat down once after the accident that hurt me. I just kept working because that is what is expected of me. I slept all day, so I basically wasted one of my days off, but I do feel better. I will be able to get through the next week. But things are so hard. I don’t feel like it is normal to just be hanging on waiting to get through, it’s not normal to expend all this energy simply enduring and only coming through feeling tired, lost, alone, and depressed.
This is the bleakest depression that I have yet known. Mainly, because there is no one out there to speak to about it. I can’t just call up and hear a friendly voice. I can’t just reach out for help whenever I need it. I am alone now. That’s the bitch of working nights is that it throws you into this whole new world of temporal isolation. The girl has been fucking my head all up too. She is out there living her life, smiling and having a great time. And I have nothing. I don’t even know who the fuck I am anymore. I am trying so hard and everyone keeps coming up with suggestion for things that I just can’t do because I am so stuck… I am so very trapped. I am being smothered and crushed.
None of my old work friends will even speak to me… Life is such bullshit right now and I feel like I have no where to turn. I just want a way out.
I know I haven’t been around and I know I don’t deserve it, but if you have any words of encouragement, I could really use them…. I’m hanging on by fingertips at this point…
I hope your world is bright,
Filled with love,
Understanding and compassion.