I don’t know.

I am back.  The last time I was here I said I was running away and I guess that is what I did.  I ran from every aspect of my life for the last few weeks.  It probably doesn’t seem like that to a lot of people.  I had decided the next day that I couldn’t run away from all the people in my life, because well, they would be worried and they would be sad.  So I ran away from myself inside.  I was making such good progress, but then I felt like I had to hide this beautiful person that I am away.  I was scared.  That’s kind of my natural reaction to fear.  I still am scared.  Sometimes I am more scared than I have ever been.  I am scared of losing myself, not in some drastic physical way, but that real, true connection to myself that exists inside.  I fold myself up at work sometimes and I hide deep down, I hide who I really am. 

I do it with it friends, I do it with family.  I hate doing that, but I don’t feel like anybody really gets the whole thing.  Sometimes, I’m not sure I get the whole thing.  So I am giving people what I think they can handle.  And maybe that is wrong for both me and them.  Maybe I’m mucking up their freedom of choice or mine or I am not allowing myself to be myself or express myself.  And I guess there are times and places when I can be who I feel like I am, whoever that may be in the moment, but there are just simple little things that make me realize I’m never going to feel completely comfortable in my own skin, because other people aren’t going to accept me being in my own skin. 

And that completely sucks. 

But okay, whatever. 

I am going to keep working on it and I am going to try to find myself again and reclaim that and own it and define it in my terms.  I am going to own my Truth.  And I am going to make sure that I love myself.  I am going to tell myself I am beautiful when nobody else thinks so, or at least they don’t vocalize it.  I am going to tell myself that I am beautiful especially when I don’t feel that I am or I don’t believe it, because really that’s what I want.  I want to be beautiful.  But I don’t want to beautiful because I can fit into a certain mold or role that is expected of me.  I want to be beautiful because that’s what I want to be.  

So if that’s what I want to be, that’s what I have to think right?  

I think so.  

Anyways, sorry for the mondo-freak-out.  

And sorry for being a bitch.  

Love Always,

Noely

 

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