So I had a great Christmas with my family and friends… there is a ton of great news… still feeling lonely, because I’m still alone for the moment…. but I’m happy… and I have a plan… I think it’s a good plan…
I hope all of you were able to spend time with family, or at least loved ones… remember sometimes the families we make ourselves are the ones that make us our own…
Life hasn’t been so great lately. I am working a nice job that is taking a lot to get used to. Me and the girl split up. I have no money for Christmas presents. I am going to get a lot less family time than I would desire for this holiday season. Things just don’t seem to be going my way. I feel very confused with every aspect of my life especially who exactly I am and what exactly that means. But I suppose times of transition are always supposed to be like this. And that’s what this is a time of transition. I must stand my ground and look into the burning eyes of the dragon, because that’s all I can do.
I have to have hope.
I have to carry the love.
It’s the best I can do.
And I am doing my best.
Never give up!
I am with you in your struggles as you are with me in mine.
I got a new job. It is pretty exciting. It is really difficult and I am hoping I can get the hang of everything. Right now I kind of feel like I am letting everybody down by being slow and not having the knowledge I need, but that will come with time. Right now I just have to learn as much as I can and put my best foot forward. It is a learning experience.
The whole gender thing has reached a weird level right now and I am unsure of where exactly I am. It wasn’t just a fad or a phase or anything like that. I still feel very fluid in my gender, but it is also a strange experience as I am working in a very masculine arena right now so I am having to really switch gears, but that is how it goes.
I feel happy with myself right now. And that is really huge. I feel like I can be myself around the people I love, when I need to. I feel like I can share myself with people, but certain people expect certain things and that is what I give them if I don’t feel like they are open minded. I am really able to be like a chameleon right now, able to fluidly blend in to where I need to, but still retaining who I am on the inside. That is a huge thing. I feel accepting of myself.
Well, I am an Omni-Theist. So, I don’t subscribe to any one particular religion or belief system, but I try to live, follow and believe in them all. It is a bit of a challenge, but I think it is good attempt at spiritual enlightenment if nothing else. But fuck there is so much right wing, left wing bullshit out there that just breaks my heart. Somehow if you are right wing you have to love Jesus and follow the Bible to the letter, whereas someone from the left wing has to be an atheist.
Is it true that even the basic beliefs and freedoms are eroded on an almost daily basis? Does it really matter to me what you personally believe? No. It really doesn’t. Until you force it upon me. Or until I wander upon it and it is damaging.
None of this is what I came here to say.
I am just thankful and grateful that when I die, I will go to a place that is not inhabited by humans, but by pure souls living as we were always meant to be. This world is way too much. And I don’t think I’ll be coming back here anytime soon after this run. This planet is too damaged and we as a people are too corrupted. It’s just too toxic here. It’s not helping my soul gain enlightenment, but maybe just gain scars that I can consider badges of honor, but maybe this is just my human thought on all that. Maybe I’ll see it differently when I wake up. This is just a bad dream, after all. Maybe, I should go back to sleep.
I know it’s been a while…. I’d like to say that I have been busy, but not really… I have been doing something hustling…. Me and the girl broke up…. But I get it…. I understand… things are really rough all over right now.