Flashbacks.

So, I was at the grocery store today.  I had just come from this Queer meeting, which was pretty cool for the most part.  It was supposed to be just trans-folk talking about trans stuff, but it wasn’t quite that.  There were a lot of folk that showed up that I thought were kind of rude.  They were not respectful of what we were talking about, they weren’t being mean, but just kind of inconsiderate by talking over people.  It really made me have a lot of anxiety.  I am having a lot of anxiety lately because I haven’t had anything to drink in about five days.  I feel rough, but I’ll survive.  I did this to myself and I can undo it to myself, by myself, though I don’t have to.  But I can.  

I came home from the Queer meeting and it was kind of late in the city.  I don’t really like to be out alone in the city by myself.  I also didn’t have my cell phone, so again I felt a great deal of anxiety.  But I realized that I have to dress up for work tomorrow and I realized I have to shave tomorrow.  I’m not looking forward to either.  But in order to get my good clothes ready I had to go to the grocery store, which is just a bit out of the way, to get clothes detergent.  So I went to the grocery store.  And I got some detergent and some food that I wanted to eat.  I went walking down the girl isle… 

I really like walking down the girl isle and looking at all the things.  I am starting to feel more comfortable there, well, I was until tonight.  I stopped to look at this bottle of Nair and I was reading how it worked, because I really hate my body hair and shaving can be a big hassle when you have to shave your entire body.  Well this guy came stalking down the isle and he was big and I just felt so self conscious and anxious that I put the bottle down and started moving down the isle, but he started following me and he got really close and I just got so scared.  I’ve had stuff like this happen before.  And it’s always scary.  Because he was just so close and an aggressiveness poured off of him in waves.  I started to turn and my breath caught because he started to turn my same way.  I didn’t know what to do.  I was so scared.  Then he turned to the cashier and started kind of getting loud with her.  I disappeared: away; quickly! 

I got some more stuff because I didn’t want him to meet up with me outside in case he felt like saying I love you with his fists.  Eventually I got all my stuff and I left.  I was walking home feeling a bit nervous, but okay.  I was just hoping I could make it home.  Then there was this other guy who was walking about half a block behind me.  I was aware of him.  Then he was walking quickly.  And I started walking quicker.  He continued to walk quicker.  I could only hear every other step, but every step I heard he was closer.  I got to this point on the sidewalk and I KNEW what was about to happen.  He was going to grab me.  I could just feel it.  I could that in the next moment his arm was going to slip around my waist and pull me close.  And I wouldn’t be able to run.  I wouldn’t be able to do anything.  My hands were full of groceries.  I was terrified.  At the last moment, for whatever reason, he decided not to do it and he backed off. 

I got away. 

But not unscathed.  It unlocked some memories that had been hidden in my head.  I got mugged once.  Two guys came up behind me and one of them grabbed my head and bounced it off the concrete.  While I was unconscious they robbed me.  I could remember the details of this experience, but only as a report, like they were events that happened to somebody else.  This bit of terror that I felt… it made me remember the feeling.  It all came flooding back.  And I just got in the house and I was scared.  I’m still scared.  Those people will never realize what they really stole from me that night and it’s something I can’t get back. 

Some idiot broke his pipe on Friday night.  The building was swarming with shouting firefighters would would only reply: “Pipe burst.” When I asked if everything was okay.  I was so worried I would have to leave my place.  I was worried about my cat’s safety.  I was worried about my safety.  These were big guys.  What would happen if they came in and looked around my apartment looking for possible leaks and found a bunch of dresses?  What would they have done?  Shit like that is scary. 

I feel like crying right now. 

But I can’t. 

This is hard. 

Why does it have to be so hard? 

Will you help me? 

Will you hold me, just for a while? 

Can I cry to you? 

Will you think ill of me if I soak your shoulder with my tears? 

Will you hug me tight? 

Tell me it’s alright? 

Will you stroke my hair? 

Will you rub my back? 

Will you make it all okay? 

Can you? 

Love Always

Noely

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s