First Night Out.

We came back from the bar.  I was bubbly feeling and giggly.  I looked great.  My dress was shear and black and I looked exquisite.  She pushed me up against the wall, I resisted a little, at first, but then I realized she was stronger than me and I gave in.  I leaned against the wall behind me as she rained passionate kisses against my lips.  I relished the feel of the wall at my back, knowing that she was in complete control and I was her submissive play thing.  It was everything I ever wanted to feel.  The night was so beautiful and perfect, elegant and sexy too.  I was glad I had taken the time to put myself together properly; getting my hair and nails done, remembering to shave my body.  I wanted to be perfect for her.  As she pressed into me I felt prettier than I ever had in my entire life.  I felt sexier than sin.  I was hers completely. 

Her arms enveloped my body and moved upward pausing just behind my neck.  She grasp the handle to the zipper that stood impossible out of reach at the top of my dress.  I always wondered why women wore clothes with zippers they couldn’t reach and buttons they couldn’t fasten.  Now I understood, the simple lesson, that was power, control; seduction.  I felt so sensual in that moment as if my body was electric and her touch set it on fire.  She unzipped my dress and it fell pooling around my high heeled feet.  I looked into her eyes seductive and doe-eyed.  The corners of my lips twitched up into a wane smile as I bit my lip looking like a cross between a veteran vixen and an unsure school girl.  I stood before her naked; quivering. 

Her hand slip up and clutched the base of my skull and brought my head forward so that we embraced in a passionate kiss.  I felt explosions of ecstasy course through my trembling form.  It was as if my body had never been touched before and the joy of it was violent, terrible; thrilling and overwhelming.  Who knew touch could be… well, so much?  How can simple skin produce such an experience as this, I wondered as she kissed me once again.  She grabbed my hand and pulled me back into the bedroom.  She pushed me down on the bed roughly.  I tried to push myself up on my elbows, but she took control forcing down on my shoulders while climbing on top of me; straddling me.  I leaned my head forward trying to kiss her but she moved her head slightly teasing me with anticipation. 

She moved my wrist above my head and pinned them to the ground.  I was completely hers; within her power, under her spell.  She kissed my forehead.  Then my nose.  Then finally after what seemed like a lifetime of waiting my lips.  The kisses continued downward past my chin.  Down my chest and past my stomach.  I am so glad I shaved before I went out tonight I managed to think to myself between waves of pleasure that caused my body to tremor and spasm.  Then she was facing me again.  Her eyes filled with lustful desire.  She rose off my body and positioned herself above me.  Then she lowered herself upon me rhythmically pumping and grinding.  She took me then. 

We lay there covered in sweat.  She had ravaged me and both of us were panting heavily from the exertion.  I lay there for a long time with my head resting on her chest feeling her breath and tracing the circular indention of her bellybutton with my index finger.  Eventually our breathing calmed and our hearts settled into their normal rhythms.  I sighed contentedly as if I was pleased my body had survived this carnal rapture.  She rolled me over and held me tightly.  I listened as she slept.  I felt safe comfort.  I felt protected.  I felt loved.  I felt beautiful.  I lay there dreaming dreams without closing my eyes.  I wanted the moment to last forever and I envisioned us always together throughout time. 

It was the first time in a long time, that I didn’t feel like I was falling. 

Well…. it’s fun to dream sometimes. 

Love Always,

Noely

Revelations

So a friend of mine told me the other day that I have been being really sensitive lately.  I understood it, I accepted it, but I wasn’t really able to explore it.  I was talking with another friend at work today and they pointed out the same thing.  So then I really thought about it and it made sense.  I have been really sensitive lately.  So it was really cool to acknowledge that.  Because then I could work through it.  I just started really having emotions that I felt were okay to share.  I didn’t allow myself to feel much since I was thirteen when I started hardcore repressing who I am.  So I never really learned emotions.  At first when I started having emotions they were very confusing to me, because they were so new, but now it seems like I have just been taking them for granted and letting them run wild.  This is not a good thing.  It is kind of like the exact opposite of not having any emotions at all.  So I need to work on that.  I need to take a deep breath when something bothers me and take the time to explore it before I actually voice my opinion on it.  Sometimes the things that upset me are probably little things to which I am over reacting too.  I realize now how exhausting that must be to deal with.  So I am really sorry about that!   But the good thing is that now I can focus on this and I can work to make it better.  Hopefully this will improve how I feel and also make it easier for other people to be around me.  I hope it does.  One of the great things and infuriating things of life is that it never stops.  The growing and learning and trying, I mean.  So I feel really happy right now.  This was a good realization.  I can do this!  I can make myself a better person.  I can control my emotions and not have to voice each one.  I will let the ones go that are little things that I overreact to, but vocalize the really important ones.  Because my feelings do matter, right?  I think so!  Wow.  This is like a whole new realization!  And it is something manageable that I can work on and get better at!  So yeah, I’m pretty stoked.  I think this weekend I will make a Noely vision board so I have something to look at that is a visualization of my different aspects and my goals.  I think this is a big step!  And it’s one that I’m not afraid to take! 

Love Always,

Noely

Hard Week

This week has been really hard.  I have been having a lot of family issues and a lot of friends problems too.  All of these issues are compounded by my issues of trying to figure out who exactly I am and what I want to become.  It takes a lot of courage to take big steps and right now I don’t feel like I have the courage to take those steps.  It really feels like it is hard to be friends with someone like me, especially this week.  I am so sad and depressed.  My nerves are just so exposed that every emotion I experience feels raw, gritty and biting.  This has been coming for a long time right now.  I have been taking on so much, but the people that love me and know the real me having been taking on just as much from me too.  I realize that, but sometimes it is hard to remember it all the time. 

Sometimes it just feels like this is too much to try and do.  If it is this hard dealing with the understanding and loving people who actually do care about me, what can I expect when I have to deal with the bigots and the religious zealots?  That’s the part I don’t even have the courage to deal with, every time I think of it I am filled with anxiety and fear.  Why would somebody want to hurt Noely?  She’s a good girl, right?  I think so.  I really just want the world to understand me and love me.  I want to understand and love myself.  I want not to have to feel everything all the time.  I want the little things not to upset me.  I just don’t know if that can happen. 

I want there not to be questions.  Or answers.  Or misunderstandings.  Or explanations.  Can we live together in such a world?  Can we dance, sing and play in the sunshine together and forget that we are supposed to be adults and love like children love?  Can’t we accept like children accept?  Understand as children do? 

I have the No Doubt song, Don’t Speak stuck in my head today.  Or maybe it’s in my heart.  But I really feel like I am losing my best friend.  I already lost a best friend once.  Cancer took him away.  Somehow this feels worse because there is a choice involved.  I get that it’s a lot of work and that it is a struggle to understand how I am, especially to people that don’t have to think about it.  But it’s also a lot of work for me.  It’s a lot of struggle to be so different.  There are things that I Know I will never get to experience.  I will never get to know what it feels like to be a “real” girl.  Even if I went through surgery and all of that I wouldn’t get to experience all of the hardships, joys and beauty of womanhood.  In some ways I will always be a freak.  That’s a hard pill to swallow. 

I think maybe I might be better off if I just repress all of this again.  Sure I would be really sad, but I could just bury those emotions and not feel anything ever again.  Maybe that would be better for everyone.  Maybe I wasn’t meant to be how I am.  Maybe I am not meant to be happy.  Maybe I am not worthy of that.  Maybe this is just some supreme cosmic punishment for wrongs in another life.  I’ve already lost a best friend once… I don’t think I can do that again.  This is why I was so closed off and didn’t make friends again, didn’t get close, because in the end they can always leave.  And then you’re just another broken person limping along only half full.  It’s lonely as hell, but eventually it doesn’t hurt.  This time there are two people at stake as well.  I don’t know if I can handle an either/or situation, unfortunately it seems like an all or nothing thing, but of course only the Sith deal in absolutes.  There should be a compromise.  There is.  I just have to find it. 

I also figured out my brother doesn’t want to know me even as I appear to be now.  So why would he even want to know about this whole other life.  It’s his loss, somebody told me.  And sometimes I do feel like that bright, caring, beautiful, intelligent girl, that everybody should know and love.  But then there are times when I see myself as I think the world would really see me: as an ugly, vile thing that should be scorned and hated. 

I don’t know what your world is like.  I don’t know what your sky looks like or how it makes you feel.  I hope that you sometimes are in a meadow on a hill and the sun is setting and you know the beauty of the world.  And I hope you think of me then.  And I hope I think of you when I feel that way.  And in that small, short, moment we can be together as we really are.  And we can understand each other completely.  And there is no anger, nor hurt, nor sadness.  In that moment there is only hope and togetherness.  There is love, alive in that moment.  That is what I dearly want. 

I don’t know what you think of Noely, but I wish I did.  Because it’s hard over here sometimes.  And I need some friends who can just understand. 

I hope you are well and you are grateful for the people that love you, because they aren’t guarantees, they are bonuses. 

Love Always,

Noely

    

But…

But it’s not all bad being gender queer or trans or whatever I am defining myself as. 

Well, that’s confusing.  It’s not at all bad being me! 

Sometimes things are confusing.  Sometimes I don’t know who I am or what I should be doing.  Sometimes pronouns upset me.  Sometimes seeing Mr. on a letter really screws me up, yeah, that happened for the first time yesterday and that was really strange.  It just really bothered me. 

But in general I am much happier now because I am at least trying to be myself.  I am trying to discover what exactly that means.  Male? Female?  I don’t know.  Heterosexual?  I’m not even sure what that means anymore.  Do I want to have sex with women?  Yes.  Do I want to do it in a heteronormative or a heterosexual way?  Not so much…

But this journey is beautiful.  I am more in touch with my emotions.  I feel more of everything, sometimes that means sadness, but it most of the time it means more happiness. 

So it’s good stuff. 

I love being me. 

I just hope when I am ready to show who I am that everyone will be accepting. 

Thanks for following me on my beautiful journey! 

Love Always,

Noely

 

Always there is love.

Talking sometimes is hard. 

Sometimes explaining is tiring. 

Understanding is difficult. 

Being silent is depressing. 

Remaining silent is heartbreaking. 

Hiding yourself, because it’s the way to be safe, is sad and lonely.  You do you have when you have to hide yourself away?   

Worrying about safety is scary. 

Worrying about privelage is terrifying.

Sometimes their is acceptance, that doesn’t sound too accepting.   

Figuring out how to be me is sometimes a constant struggle.  It changes from one day to the next.  Sometimes I know what I want, but I don’t know how exactly to achieve it.  Sometimes I don’t know what I want, but I think I have an idea.  Sometimes what I want seems so hard, terrifying and ardeuous.  I think maybe it’s like that for the most of us.  I am going through something new and I learning how to be.  The people I love are going through their own things and sometimes I don’t acknowledge how much they do for me. 

It means a lot to have acceptance.  It means a lot to know that people are trying even though they have their own struggles.  Talking, empathy, and love, these are very human things.  They are hard to do.  You have to work at them every day just like forming an identity or an idea of an identity.  These are not things set in stone and forgotten, but journey’s we undergo because we know no other way to go.  We know of no other way to be, but we acknowlege we haven’t found happiness yet, but that’ what we’ve always been striving for. 

Sometimes talking is hard because the words get muddled and disguise the empathy and hide the truth.  Sometimes empathy is hard because we do empathize in the correct way.  Love… that is the one… it is never hard, until it is.  There is always love.  I want you to remember that my friends.  There is always love. 

Love Always,
Noely

Updates and a dream

Today I had a pretty good day (7/5/13).  Work was boring, but I managed to finally get caught up on a lot of stuff I just couldn’t do because of being constantly harressed by co-workers and customers alike. 

Yesterday was weird.  It didn’t feel like the fourth of July.  It was rainy (here) and well, the fact that it fell on the Thursday just made it feel kind of like a sick day.  Well, I was sick, so maybe that also had something to do with it.

I need to do some girl time.  That like, really, needs to happen.  My body is all hairy and gross right now.  I can’t stand it.  So I definetely need to take care of that.  There is other stuff I want to do, just nice stuff, like treat myself to a bubble bath and luxuriate in the scented water.  Sometimes a girl has to take some time to show herself that she is special. 

There are many strange moments for me.  The morning ritual has become quite perplexing.  Do I use girl soap?  Do I use boy soap?  Should I shave my face or my legs?  Which lotion do I put on?  What clothes should I wear?  There are a lot more choices these days than their used to be.  And sometimes I forget to do laundry.  And all that’s left is girl clothes.  And I know if I get caught wearing that to work that I will get fired.  They will make un an excuse, but we are a “family” company (read Christian).  So that usually discourages me.  But I think one day soon it will not.  And let come what may. 

I had a great dream about being out on a date as a girl with another girl.  And it was simply fantastic.  I hope I get to experience that in real life at some point in my life.  Right now I am hopeful about it.  If I dwell on it too long and don’t just take it for face value (that at least I had this experience and I experienced it whether I was awake or asleep) then I will become sad, because I will ponder what if it never happens.  But I don’t want to think about that right now.  I just want to enjoy the memories of sensation that I felt.  And how beautiful it was to feel affection.  And to cuddle…

Love, Always,
Noely

Trying to figure me out.

Sorry I didn’t manage to write anything last week.  I know there are only a couple of people who follow this blog and I really appreciate that.  Your support means a lot to me.  I have been having a lot of trouble with internet at my place lately.  The real problem however was last week I was having a real problem  knowing exactly who I am. 

I don’t really know how to describe it, but I just don’t ever feel right when I am on my own.  When I go to work I know who I am, well, at least I know who I am expected to be.  I have parameters that I have to operate within.  When I am on my own I don’t know how to just be.  I don’t ever really feel comfortable.  When I am with my friends I also know how to act.  I know I can act in any way that I want and they will accept me, but it is when I am on my own that I run into trouble. 

It’s weird of the friends I have told about what I am going through, I feel like there are some who don’t believe and then there are people who don’t really understand it.  I have one person in my life that I think really accepts it and tries to understands it as best as they can and they definitely believe it.

A friend of mine pointed out some stuff using big words that I am going to try and repeat.  He said my ideal self doesn’t match up with my perceived self.  It was something like that.  I really felt like understood what that meant.  I really identified with in in the moment.  It is hard to explain.  I am trying really hard to figure out how to be me in a way that makes me feel like myself if that makes any sense. 

This week is going better so far.  Of course I am writing this during the day during work time.  So I’ll have to let you know after I get some alone time.  I really want to try and write everyday for you guys, but life is pretty busy.  If anybody has any advice or just something supportive to say I would love to hear it. 

Anyways, thanks for listening to me ramble. 

Love Always,
Noely