Writings, works and musings.

Well, I have been really productive today.  I have been delving into some old writing and I have noticed that bits of my subconscious were peaking through all along.  I have written a lot of female characters that I feel a strong connection with.  My writing has always been an outlet through which I could experience the things that I felt, but was uncomfortable with.  I was able to experience girlhood through my words.  I guess that was, like, a coping mechanism that I came up with, because as I wrote these female characters I was them, I got to experience them in a safe way, a safe distance and a safe place. 

I am working on getting some short vignettes published.  I really have faith in these stories they are all heartfelt and each of them is a piece of me and my experiences.  So I really feel like they would be a good place to start my writing career.  I am really excited about the future at this point.  I feel more me than I have ever felt before.  That is a pretty amazing place to be.  I hope that it continues and that I am able to continue to find myself and come into myself.  That is the onlly way I will find happiness and to find my place in this world. 

At any rate, I am getting myself together and if not becoming a beautiful girl, I am becoming a beautiful person. 

I hope you are too! 

Love, Always,

Noely

 

Shaving and Skin.

So for my birthday I shaved.  I shaved my face and my whole body.  It took a long time.  But it was worth it.  I felt pretty.  I really wish I had softer skin.  And there are ways that I can achieve this if I started on hormone therapy, but that is a scary proposition.  There are some things I want to experience, but there are side effects I don’t want.  It would be really cool to have softer skin, less hair, breasts and even experiencing the womanly cycle would be cool.  It would make me really experience what I want to be, to really feel feminine and beautiful.  But there are side effects such as my boy parts getting smaller and eventually that leads to having surgury which I am not sure that I want. 

I am still in the begining stages of discovering who I am, but there is always lots of pondering. I really want softer skin and better hair.  And I try to use products that make that happen.  I really hate how quickly my facial hair grows.  It seems that everytime I turn around I am having to shave so that I can feel secure when I look in the mirror.  One day I think I will see the face that I want to see.

I did have a realization a few weeks ago when I gave a girl friend some girl advice.  It really made me feel great and feminine and it awoke within me a realization that everything is largely on the inside.  It is all about how I feel.  The other stuff is just tools to help me awaken that feeling within myself.  I can feel like a girl.  That is what is inside.  Wearing panties and dresses is exquisite, but it is on the inside that I show what I really am.  That is where Noely really lives.  I do want to have breasts though.  I would atleast like some fake breasts so that when I wear a bra there is not an emptieness there, sure it is an emptiness, that only I feel, but still it is there. 

I’m sure I will get there.  I’m sure I will figure out what I need.  I’m sure I will discover who I am completely.  I hope you are discovering yourself too.  I hope that you are happy.  And I hope that you know that you are loved. 

Love, Always,

Noely

 

Words that I like and words that… well, not so much.

So I’ve been contemplating gender a lot lately.  I don’t just think about how gender is defined and what that means, but I am also contemplating what gender identity means and specifically what it means to me.  Along with all of this comes words and their meanings and labels, of course.  All of these things can be very confusing, but I think that everything is about our own individual, personal experiences. 

I have joined an LGBTQIQ group and they are very accepting of me.  I feel safe and comfortable with them.  It is awesome to learn and hear about other people’s experiences.  It is awesome to know that I am with people who understand.  There are still questions, of course, because we are all different, but there is at least that underlying understanding of experiencing being different.  One of the things that I do not like is how political things can become.  Sometimes it seems we are just comparing notes on whose experience is more difficult.  We all have difficult experiences, no matter where you fall into this world of labels and words.  We are all people we are all capable of feeling and thinking. 

All of our experiences are valid.  All of our truths are our own and no one elses.  You have to try and live your own truth and be true to who you believe you are.  Sometimes that is the hardest thing to do.  I know that I struggle with it.  But I also know that I have a strong support network of friends, family and loved ones that accept me for who I am.  I love all my friends and family for trying to understand what I am going through.  I apperciate all that they do to make me feel accepted and give me words of encouragment.  There is one young lady in particular that is always a source of inspiration and love for me.  She is my biggest cheerleader and her support means so much.  She is a great ally! 

So, sometimes gender just doesn’t make sense to me.  What is a boy what is a girl?  Aren’t those concepts and labels what we make them?  I can understand what male and female are, but concepts like boy and girl sometimes ellude me.  Uncomprehensible at this point are concepts like man and woman.  I don’t know why, but I can’t seem to get my head around them.  I don’t know if people have noticed, but I seldom use man and woman in my speech at this point, because those concepts confuse me.  I use terms like boy, girl, dude, lady, gentleman, friend… I like that term a lot.  Friend: such a simple word that means so much. 

So there are labels that I like to apply to myself.  I like the term Queer.  I think that is empowering, somehow.  It is a word I can look to and feel secure that I know at least to some degree what my identity is.  A lot of other people I have met in the LGBTQIQ community seem to cling to terms of distinction that apply to others not in the community.  The term I hear a lot is CIS.  I don’t like this term.  Sure, it means the opposite of Trans as its literal definition, but it has gained the same negatice connotation that Queer had before it was reclaimed by the community. 

I know that my friend, my biggest cheerleader, she doesn’t like that term.  So I don’t use that term around her.  I try not to use it at all, because I don’t really care for it either, but I certainly try my hardest not to apply it to her, because it is not her term.  It is not how she identifies.  I think that if I am going to have the freedom and right to decide what I wish to be called then so should everybody.  I don’t care about the politics of it or who has privelage or any of that.  That is just lawyer talk.  This is life.  It’s not something that is happening in a vacuum or a labratory.  It is not occuring in a science book. 

It is living and breathing.  It is sharing our experiences.  It is trying to understand.  It is about trying to love one another.  It is about trying to help one another.  I think it should be my duty to be just as good of an ally for her as she is for me.  Sometimes I know that I fail at that.  But I am trying to be better.  So the best I can say is that you should tell the people that you love, that you love them.  And moreover you should love the people that don’t love you.  You should try to let them understand, because there are a lot of people willing to understand, but there are things they don’t know about.  How can they know what they do not know?  I hope you feel like I do, because then maybe we can make this place better and more liveable for us all.  Maybe then we can start to make this a place where all lives are important and all experiences are valid.  Anyways, I love you! 

Love, Always,

Noely     

Green Eyes

*This is another old one, but I still like it*

*See?!  I was always thinking about you*

I was walking to work today and it was the usual hustle and bustle of the city.  I got to the one part of my daily walk where it is always kind of a weird intersection.  It’s this place where the road kind of bottlenecks, but there are always a lot of cars turning and trying to fit into this area where it bottlenecks, usually at this section of my walk the cars have very little concern for the pedestrians, because they are all trying to get onto this tiny two lane little alley. 

This is usually the part of my day when I have to be crafty and dart across the street quickly.  Today everything was running smoothly, until the light turned and this guy on a bicycle decided that he was going to dart through the intersection.  He was coming in fast and very near the sidewalk where I was standing.  So even though it was really my turn to go, I had to wait on this guy, but it seemed all wrong.  I felt like maybe he was going to hit me.  I was vaguely aware of someone on my right side so I turned to make sure they weren’t too far out on the sidewalk, so that they didn’t get hit by this guy.  I turned and said: “What is this guy doing?!” And then I noticed who was beside me. 

It was a lovely young woman. 

I guess my words had caused her to make eye contact with me, but I stood there staring into the most darling piercing green eyes I had ever seen.  And I think she kind of smiled, but she had completely taken my breath away, her eyes were that beautiful and that’s all I could really focus on for a moment.  Then I managed to take her all in.  She had really dark brunette hair.  She was dressed kind of plainly; casually like I was, but she looked comfortable and her style fit her.  She had a curvy figure and she just looked really pretty.  But then it was time to walk and our moment was over, just a passing of electricity between our eyes; the windows to our souls.  Maybe in that brief, scant moment our souls caressed one another and maybe we felt the comfort that only another person can provide. 

I walked down the street not really thinking about much of anything.  I walk pretty fast and the lady was well behind me at this point, even though I knew instinctively which building she was headed for, but there was no way to stop and wait without it being weird.  But I just wanted to tell her that she had really pretty eyes.  As I was walking I saw another woman heading for the same building.  She was very well put together.  It seemed like she had spent a lot of time cultivating that look of business sexy, that still screamed professionalism and not sluttiness.  She was more the kind of woman that I generally feel attracted too, or maybe she was more the kind of woman that I wish I could be.  Or that I feel like on the inside. 

That’s always weird stuff to try and figure out. 

Who exactly am I? 

Who do I want to be? 

Do I have the courage to do it? 

Can I suffer the aggressive meanness of those that don’t understand? 

The people who notice something and taunt you and follow you home until you can safely ditch them? 

Do I have that kind of courage? 

I don’t know.  But this woman was gorgeous.  She could easily have been a super model or at least a regular model.  She had blonde hair (which is more my preference ever since I was a kid, but I think that all goes back to She-Ra, who I always secretly wanted to be).  Actually come to think of it She-Ra was probably my first foray into how the way that I saw myself was wrong and different from others.  I remember really wanting a She-Ra action figure, but I had to beg and beg because it was considered a girl toy, I suppose because she had real hair that you could comb, which was actually a real selling point for me.  There is something strangely calming about caressing or combing hair that feels realish.  My parents kept trying to convince me to get one of the He-Man toys instead because it was more butch I guess, but I really wanted the She-Ra.  Even at a young age I was sly and I made the argument that this was He-Man’s sister and that she would help him fight the bad guys.  Finally they relented, but I think it was always a sore spot when other people would ask my parents why I was playing with a girl toy. 

This did lead the way to a couple My Little Ponies, which was again a struggle to convince them about, I think that time I convinced them it was because it was a bath toy and it would help me to want to take baths more often.  I got some kind of little water dolphin thing, but it was in the Pony family of toys.  It had real hair too. 

Anyway, back to the really stunning beautiful woman.  She was the type of person that society is always shoving down our throats as the ideal of beauty and you could tell that she worked at it.  She wanted to attain that ideal, just as I do, but she was able to achieve her goal and it was rewarded and glorified in a way that my efforts are not.  She seemed so beautiful, but at the same time, she seemed dull and lifeless compared to the comfortable girl with the piercing green eyes.  The blonde seemed like an imitation of beauty; an illusion of it, but the green eyed girl, she seemed like the real thing, somebody who didn’t have to try because her beauty poured out from within her. 

That’s what I want. 

That’s what I want to have and that’s what I want to be. 

Love Always,

Noely

Starlight

*This was an old one too, but I like it.*

I gazed off into the distance.  The night was cool and somehow expansive.  It felt like a night in which anything could happen.  It seemed as if magic could strike sparks that would ignite some great and powerful change at any moment.  It was the kind of night that you wish you had somebody to share with, but even to be alone on the hill, breathing the crisp, fresh, Autumn air felt like something to be proud of.  It was as if I had created this beautiful spectacle through sheer act of will alone.  It felt as if this moment was my reward, some ancient being whispering in the darkness, through starlight telling me: “It’s okay, you are a good girl.” 

It was the kind of night where the fireflies dance and light the air with their subtle illumination imitating the very stars twinkling above.  The tiny creatures felt a kinship with the mighty stars they saw flickering in the heavens above.  And there was a connection shared between the two that was both great and small and all of the rest of us merely existed in vastness created by the space between the infinite and the minuscule.  It inspired awe within me, that I alone was chosen to be there in that moment, experiencing two extremes of the universe.  The cool grass danced in the wind tickling my smooth legs and caressing my naked toes.  Somehow in that moment I knew what it was to be loved.  The sky above me an ocean with sparkling gems dancing in their tides. 

I had waited all my life for the magic that would change my life, that would change my existence.  I wanted something that would transform me into who and what I wanted to be, who I felt like I really was.  Somehow in the starlight I captured that feeling as children capture fireflies in bottles so they can keep the magic of the night a glow within boundaries they can understand.  I was lucky.  I had managed to capture something that would not wither and die by morning surrendering its magic to the stark realities of the physical world.  I would not be left with a husk that filled me with sadness instead of wonderment.  I would hold the feeling and carry it deep within me.  And in that feeling existed a knowing and a rightness.  In that moment existed both a longing and sense of being found.  I would carry the magic of that moment throughout my life, only discarding it when I ascended outward and upward.  I think with the right kind of eyes it would like glittering sand dancing in the wild wind, or maybe fireflies dancing in the cool, crisp air on a summer night by a hill.  Or maybe it would look like the stars themselves moving away towards places where only love, understanding and compassion lay. 

Our lives our but kisses on the form of this plane of existence. 

Our thoughts tickles on the alien skin of some unknown giant. 

We dance upon the sky.

Every step throughout our days is a mighty transformation. 

It’s those with magic eyes who choose to see, us. 

It’s those special few that we can believe; that we can believe in. 

It’s those that we allow ourselves to love, for even though they may cause pain, and may cause hurt, they also create joy and love. 

It’s love that makes us weightless and gives us the chance to fly. 

At least I hope so…

Love Always

Noely

It’s not how you look, but how you feel.

*This was from a while ago, but I wanted to share it with you guys a long time ago*

Unfortunately I don’t feel too great these last couple of days either. 

I have made a to do list for the week.  So hopefully that will give me some structure in my life.  Maybe that is something that I really need right now. 

It’s kind of hard to realize that you will never be what you want to be, at least not completely in the way that you want to be it.  I can be pieces of what I want to be and I can only hope that those pieces will give me peace.  But it is up to me, to discover what I am and become the person that I want to be.  Sure, I may not be able to express myself the way that I desire to all the time, but maybe occasionally with the right group of people I can.  Or maybe it’s something I do alone.  I don’t know, yet.  Maybe all of us are really only ourselves when we are alone.  Or maybe the happy people just always feel like the way that most of us feel when we are alone.  I don’t know.  I don’t have all the answers.  All I know is that I don’t want to feel sorry for myself anymore.  I want to explore what I can and discover what I may.  I want to at least be the person I want to be on the inside. 

Who cares if people see me as different?  Who cares if people want to hurt me for being myself?  Who cares if people don’t understand me or don’t want to?  Who cares if my own brother doesn’t care about my life or who I am?  It is his loss if he doesn’t want to include me in his life.  I’ve always believed that you make your own family and I suppose that is the family I am interested in caring about at this point in my life. 

It’s time to get my life together.  It’s time to stop worrying about other people, but not in a bad way.  I still want to care, but I can’t take on everyone’s hurts, because mine are plenty enough for me to deal with.  I can only be me.  I cannot change the world, but I can change myself.  Maybe like the butterfly flapping its wings as it emerges from its cocoon this will create epic waves of change that I cannot even fathom.  Maybe it will make me happy, that of course will be change enough. 

I think that’s what I want… to be happy.  To look at the sky and pretend that I am free; to look at my body and pretend I am whole; to look into myself and pretend I am brave. 

I want to go dancing and fall in love. 

I hope you do too. 

Because maybe what the world needs now is more dancing. 

Love Always,

Noely

I’m Back!

Well I finally got my computer back. I’m sorry I haven’t been around much. I have had a lot going on. Well, to fill you in on some of the things that have been going on lately. My computer kind of had a meltdown so I haven’t had any way to really post here. I had a nervous breakdown and then I had a birthday. The birthday was much better, than the nervous breakdown. I got my first purse and I was able to present myself to some of my close friends as Noely, which was awesome. All of them were really supportive and made me feel really self and welcome. Work is changing, maybe for the better, but we shall have to see how that goes. I have also decided to detox from Alcohol. It’s been rough, but I think I can do it. I have also entered into a therapy program which is great. I think this will give me the tools I need to grow as a person. I’ve also been attending meetings with the LGBTQIQ. So I think I might have found a place to belong. That is really important. Anyways, sorry I’ve been away so long. I hope you are doing well. And I hoped that you missed me at least a little. I promise I will be around more from now on.

Love Always,
Noely