*This is another old one, but I still like it*
*See?! I was always thinking about you*
I was walking to work today and it was the usual hustle and bustle of the city. I got to the one part of my daily walk where it is always kind of a weird intersection. It’s this place where the road kind of bottlenecks, but there are always a lot of cars turning and trying to fit into this area where it bottlenecks, usually at this section of my walk the cars have very little concern for the pedestrians, because they are all trying to get onto this tiny two lane little alley.
This is usually the part of my day when I have to be crafty and dart across the street quickly. Today everything was running smoothly, until the light turned and this guy on a bicycle decided that he was going to dart through the intersection. He was coming in fast and very near the sidewalk where I was standing. So even though it was really my turn to go, I had to wait on this guy, but it seemed all wrong. I felt like maybe he was going to hit me. I was vaguely aware of someone on my right side so I turned to make sure they weren’t too far out on the sidewalk, so that they didn’t get hit by this guy. I turned and said: “What is this guy doing?!” And then I noticed who was beside me.
It was a lovely young woman.
I guess my words had caused her to make eye contact with me, but I stood there staring into the most darling piercing green eyes I had ever seen. And I think she kind of smiled, but she had completely taken my breath away, her eyes were that beautiful and that’s all I could really focus on for a moment. Then I managed to take her all in. She had really dark brunette hair. She was dressed kind of plainly; casually like I was, but she looked comfortable and her style fit her. She had a curvy figure and she just looked really pretty. But then it was time to walk and our moment was over, just a passing of electricity between our eyes; the windows to our souls. Maybe in that brief, scant moment our souls caressed one another and maybe we felt the comfort that only another person can provide.
I walked down the street not really thinking about much of anything. I walk pretty fast and the lady was well behind me at this point, even though I knew instinctively which building she was headed for, but there was no way to stop and wait without it being weird. But I just wanted to tell her that she had really pretty eyes. As I was walking I saw another woman heading for the same building. She was very well put together. It seemed like she had spent a lot of time cultivating that look of business sexy, that still screamed professionalism and not sluttiness. She was more the kind of woman that I generally feel attracted too, or maybe she was more the kind of woman that I wish I could be. Or that I feel like on the inside.
That’s always weird stuff to try and figure out.
Who exactly am I?
Who do I want to be?
Do I have the courage to do it?
Can I suffer the aggressive meanness of those that don’t understand?
The people who notice something and taunt you and follow you home until you can safely ditch them?
Do I have that kind of courage?
I don’t know. But this woman was gorgeous. She could easily have been a super model or at least a regular model. She had blonde hair (which is more my preference ever since I was a kid, but I think that all goes back to She-Ra, who I always secretly wanted to be). Actually come to think of it She-Ra was probably my first foray into how the way that I saw myself was wrong and different from others. I remember really wanting a She-Ra action figure, but I had to beg and beg because it was considered a girl toy, I suppose because she had real hair that you could comb, which was actually a real selling point for me. There is something strangely calming about caressing or combing hair that feels realish. My parents kept trying to convince me to get one of the He-Man toys instead because it was more butch I guess, but I really wanted the She-Ra. Even at a young age I was sly and I made the argument that this was He-Man’s sister and that she would help him fight the bad guys. Finally they relented, but I think it was always a sore spot when other people would ask my parents why I was playing with a girl toy.
This did lead the way to a couple My Little Ponies, which was again a struggle to convince them about, I think that time I convinced them it was because it was a bath toy and it would help me to want to take baths more often. I got some kind of little water dolphin thing, but it was in the Pony family of toys. It had real hair too.
Anyway, back to the really stunning beautiful woman. She was the type of person that society is always shoving down our throats as the ideal of beauty and you could tell that she worked at it. She wanted to attain that ideal, just as I do, but she was able to achieve her goal and it was rewarded and glorified in a way that my efforts are not. She seemed so beautiful, but at the same time, she seemed dull and lifeless compared to the comfortable girl with the piercing green eyes. The blonde seemed like an imitation of beauty; an illusion of it, but the green eyed girl, she seemed like the real thing, somebody who didn’t have to try because her beauty poured out from within her.
That’s what I want.
That’s what I want to have and that’s what I want to be.