Whoa… or Wow… I dunno…

So I had a great Christmas with my family and friends… there is a ton of great news… still feeling lonely, because I’m still alone for the moment…. but I’m happy… and I have a plan… I think it’s a good plan…

 

I hope all of you were able to spend time with family, or at least loved ones… remember sometimes the families we make ourselves are the ones that make us our own…

 

Love Always,

Noely

 

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Yvonne.

Today is Transgender remembrance day.  It is a day to remember all of those that have lost their life just for being transgender.  Today I am remembering Yvonne.  I never met her, I never spoke to her, but she was a blogger that I really liked to read.  I am sorry that Yvonne is no longer with us.  Her’s is not my tale to tell, but it is mine to remember.  238 other people lost their lives this year just for being trans.  This is far too many.  This isn’t a trans issue, this isn’t a gay issue, this is a human issue.  Everyone should be allowed to live their lives and to be themselves, however they may express that.  

Maybe next year there won’t be any trans people killed.  

Love Always

Noely 

“It goes that way sometimes, but remember, it goes the other way too.”

http://www.transfaithonline.org/display/article/josephine-what-the-bible-says-about-transfolk/

 

This was a good story.  It made me happy.  Sometimes we have to seek out the good news and the goodness that is out there upon the breast of the world, the flesh trembling as the heart beats, pumping blood and love which bleed, proudly…

Sometimes the words are good…

Sometimes the goodness of the people in the world is evident. 

The world is not good or bad, accepting, spiteful, loving or hateful….

That is people. 

Maybe we should make that choice…

To be love…

To be accepting…

Being Gay isn’t a choice. 

Being Queer isn’t a choice. 

Being Trans isn’t a choice. 

Being Pan isn’t a choice. 

Being Bi isn’t a choice. 

Being any part of that spectrum of the majestic and mighty rainbow is not a choice. 

I don’t even think being an ally is a choice. 

I don’t think straight is a choice. 

I don’t think Cis is a choice. 

I KNOW that hate is a choice. 

Have a voice, but speak for love.  It is something beautiful that will cause our elevation and spark creation.  Hate leads to suffering on both ends… for the hated and the hater.  Hate causes destruction and that will truly lead to our ruination… our condemnation.. our damnation….

Choose love…

But don’t think of it as a choice…

Maybe that’s the trick…

Love Always

Noely

Secret Fears…

So, because I have been laid off, my health insurance runs out  at the end of the month.  It’s been a long time since I haven’t had health insurance and that scares the hell out of me.  I wonder if I will become one of those Americans that slips through the cracks.  I wonder if I already had some disease boiling and toiling away inside of me that will need treatment to be abated.  What happens then?  I ponder the possibilities, but I have no answers.  The future has never seemed so uncertain and no mix of inspirational words or rah, rah, quotes can give me the certainty that I seek.  

I already have mental health issues that I was seeking treatment for.  I have another appointment coming up.  It is likely to be the last one.  Then what?  Back to suffering in silence I guess.  I paid so much money into my health insurance and then they take it all away.  I wish I would’ve known this would happen.  I would’ve saved that money.  That would be more practical than the grim meat-hook realities that await me in the dimness of an uncertain future.  

What happened to this country?  Why does it keep getting worse?  Why are the companies so bloodthirsty and ruthless that conquering huns invading the village?  

“Our energy would simply prevail.” HST

I kind of believe that.  This is not something that is unique to me.  It is happening to a lot of people.  I think something is about to happen.  It might take a while, but I think we are rallying our energy and that soon we will prevail.  It won’t be something inconsequential like Occupy, but it will be a true revolution where The People will actually get a chance to run things for a change.  Or at least we will earn the right to control our own destinies.  We can’t do much worse…

The right to be free and pursue happiness where we may… That’s the country I want to live in.  That’s the world I want to live in.  A world where everyone is free and safe.  A world where we are all free to share our experience and be secure in the safety of our bodies.  

I hope so…

Love Always

Noely  

Let’s make love…

I come to you walking on my stilted heels.  I walk to you with my hips swaying seductively.  My eyes are hungrily searching your body as if I can feel each inch of your body by sight.  My lips pout giving me a sultry look that I know drives you wild with desire.  I make my way to where you sit and I crawl up on your lap.  I kiss your mouth drawing you into myself.  We snuggle and I feel your warmth surrounding me.  You are the comfort that I need and the comfort that I desire.  I hope you are the comfort I deserve.  But I know when I wake up, you will be gone replaced by the desperate clinging fog on the windowsill.  

I’m just a soul…

“I’m just a soul… whose intentions are good… please don’t let me be misunderstood…” 

I am a transperson.  That is such a hard thing to admit here.  I thought this was my refuge.  I thought it was understood.  It has been pointed out to me that it is not.  My gender and my sex don’t match up.  My body is one thing and what I feel inside is something different.  I don’t want to say the words… I don’t want to have to admit it to myself….

I want to be a girl…

I want to be a girl here. 

I want to be safe here. 

But I have a responsibility.  I don’t want to hurt anyone.  I don’t want to make a fool of anyone. 

So this is my truth: 

I am a boy…

But I don’t feel like a boy…

a lot of the time. 

I feel like a girl. 

Out in the world, I have to present myself in a certain way so that I am not fired and so that I am not harmed on the street.  I need a place where I can be myself and this is the place I have chosen.  So if you have any questions… 

If you aren’t sure… please just ask me…

But I don’t always want to fight the fight here…

I don’t always want to have to explain…

I just want to be how I feel…

I want to share my experience and my Truth…

If you want to leave, that’s fine. 

If you want to stay and hear my experiences, then that is really cool. 

I just want to experience being this lovely person inside me that I have named Noely. 

I’m just a soul. 

This body gets in the way sometimes. 

Love Always

Noely

Alright…

I’ve been really negative tonight. 

I’m not really negative. 

I’m not giving up. 

I’m not alone. 

Things aren’t as bad as they seem. 

Tomorrow will be better. 

I can still write. 

I can still find the words. 

I have that possibility.  

My next word…

might just be exactly the right one. 

My next set of words might just change the world. 

Or maybe I just changed yours. 

Maybe one day you’ll change mine. 

I hope so. 

And you know what they say about hope…

It sings eternal…

I know that’s not how it goes…

but maybe it should…

Love Always

Noely