I don’t feel quite as crazy today. Yesterday I felt really crazy when I got home from work. Too many memories came swirling back upon me.
And I remembered something else that I don’t really want to talk about, but maybe I ought to.
So I guess this is as good a place as any.
I was almost molested once.
It was when I first moved to the city and I had just moved into my place. I was still naive and wet behind the ears. I didn’t believe that anybody could do anything wrong. I thought everybody was nice and happy and friendly. And one day I met this person that said they have some pot and asked if I would want to buy it. And well, I did, where I had come from there was a certain honor among people that smoked dope, you kind of looked out for each other. You might sell a light bag here or there or nip a bud or two if you the middle man, but you never actively tried to hurt the other person.
Well this person had lured me over to a park and they were talking to me and I kept asking about the pot, but they were telling me to relax. And they started to reach for me and they kind of touched me like on the leg and it made me really uncomfortable and set off all kinds of alarms and I got the hell out of there.
I realize now what was going on and I would never put myself in that position again. I guess that was when the city really started getting inside of me. I guess that’s when I started growing up and seeing the world for the place it can be.
The person was this transvestite that I used to see from time to time on the street. I always felt weird around them after that, but not because they were a trans person, but because they were a predator and I knew just how vulnerable I was in that situation and how wrong it could’ve gone. I remembered that this morning. I wish I hadn’t. I hadn’t thought of that in years.
And on top of everything else it really fucks me up.
But maybe somebody fucked them up.
All I know is that I have learned from my experiences, but they do not define me. I can always change. I can give up stuff that doesn’t work. I can try to do new things. I can learn from my mistakes. I can try to heal. I can try to learn to love.
We all can. I am no more special than you are, but make no mistake, I think you are SPECIAL!
So go out and be great. And change the things you can and accept the things you can’t.
Love who you are, because I am starting to… or I am trying to..