Right Back Where I’m From….

Well, it’s been a long time… I’m sorry about that… I just haven’t felt very me, in a long time.  I still don’t.  There are the way that people appear and the way that they really are on the inside.  Most people, I guess, have at least a place that they can express both sides of themselves, and I used to, but that’s all fallen away.  This new job that I’ve taken is really masculine.  They wouldn’t even know what to do if I expressed my feminine side to them.  I know that I wouldn’t be accepted and in all likelihood I would be discriminated against and probably fired.  I don’t want to get fired, I really need this job even if it is just a means to an end.  I just hope that end in not my own.  I feel like I’ve been set back, no longer am I even trying to discover who I am, because it’s no help, it only makes me sad because it’s just one thing I cannot be.  When am I going to find my place and get out of these menial jobs where I am about as respected as a talking monkey?  Okay, a talking monkey would probably get more respect, because monkeys don’t usually talk, but I just want to scream!  

I got hurt last night at work.  Today was my first day off and I had to spend it laid up, trying to get better before my next shift.  The muscle in my calf is all torn to hell and back.  It is a lot like rolling your knee, which I’ve done many times before, but this is so different.  I worked twelve hours yesterday, with no heat, and hurting, I never sat down once after the accident that hurt me.  I just kept working because that is what is expected of me.  I slept all day, so I basically wasted one of my days off, but I do feel better.  I will be able to get through the next week.  But things are so hard.  I don’t feel like it is normal to just be hanging on waiting to get through, it’s not normal to expend all this energy simply enduring and only coming through feeling tired, lost, alone, and depressed.  

This is the bleakest depression that I have yet known.  Mainly, because there is no one out there to speak to about it.  I can’t just call up and hear a friendly voice.  I can’t just reach out for help whenever I need it.  I am alone now.  That’s the bitch of working nights is that it throws you into this whole new world of temporal isolation.  The girl has been fucking my head all up too.  She is out there living her life, smiling and having a great time.  And I have nothing.  I don’t even know who the fuck I am anymore.  I am trying so hard and everyone keeps coming up with suggestion for things that I just can’t do because I am so stuck… I am so very trapped.  I am being smothered and crushed.  

None of my old work friends will even speak to me… Life is such bullshit right now and I feel like I have no where to turn.  I just want a way out.  

I know I haven’t been around and I know I don’t deserve it, but if you have any words of encouragement, I could really use them…. I’m hanging on by fingertips at this point…

I hope your world is bright,

Filled with love,

Understanding and compassion.  

Love Always,

Noely  

When I Die.

Well, I am an Omni-Theist.  So, I don’t subscribe to any one particular religion or belief system, but I try to live, follow and believe in them all.  It is a bit of a challenge, but I think it is good attempt at spiritual enlightenment if nothing else.  But fuck there is so much right wing, left wing bullshit out there that just breaks my heart.  Somehow if you are right wing you have to love Jesus and follow the Bible to the letter, whereas someone from the left wing has to be an atheist. 

Is it true that even the basic beliefs and freedoms are eroded on an almost daily basis?  Does it really matter to me what you personally believe?  No.  It really doesn’t.  Until you force it upon me.  Or until I wander upon it and it is damaging. 

Fuck. 

None of this is what I came here to say. 

I am just thankful and grateful that when I die, I will go to a place that is not inhabited by humans, but by pure souls living as we were always meant to be.  This world is way too much.  And I don’t think I’ll be coming back here anytime soon after this run.  This planet is too damaged and we as a people are too corrupted.  It’s just too toxic here.  It’s not helping my soul gain enlightenment, but maybe just gain scars that I can consider badges of honor, but maybe this is just my human thought on all that.  Maybe I’ll see it differently when I wake up.  This is just a bad dream, after all.  Maybe, I should go back to sleep. 

I don’t know…

Thanks for listening.

Love Always,

Noely

Look at me.

Who am I? 

Who am I really? 

Am I what I feel inside? 

Will that ever come out? 

Will it always have to hide? 

Will I always be afraid? 

Will I always be alone? 

Looked down upon? 

Or is this just what I’ve done to myself? 

Did I make a mess of things? 

Did I make all of this up? 

What am I seeking? 

What am I seeing? 

Why is it so quiet in here? 

Why is it so lonely here? 

 

Sunshine

We are at the lake and we are walking along a loosely packed trail of dirt; we are holding hands.  I look at you, but it is more than taking in your physical beauty, I am seeing inside of you.  I am seeing your energy coalesce and swirl between contentment, torment and curiosity.  The wind flutters and plays with your hair.  It snatches at our dresses making them billow.  We reach the top of a small hill and stare down into the green water of the lake below.  There is just a slight breeze that feels good, though it puckers my skin.  I look into your face and I see know fear.  I wish I could live there too, underneath the sea of your progress, ambition and promise.  I wish I could bite into; eat you, like a peach and feel your luscious liquid cascade down my face.  I wish I could be strong for you and never weak at all.  I wish I could know myself completely so that I could give it all to you.  I wish I could find that dream where we dance as one spirit upon the face of the wind spinning in time forever more.  I wish I could love you truly and completely.  I wish I could have you more.  But your an apparition.  You are just a dream.  The only one, whose reality I long for. 

*sigh* feeling lonely today…

Love Always

Noely