It’s not how you look, but how you feel.

*This was from a while ago, but I wanted to share it with you guys a long time ago*

Unfortunately I don’t feel too great these last couple of days either. 

I have made a to do list for the week.  So hopefully that will give me some structure in my life.  Maybe that is something that I really need right now. 

It’s kind of hard to realize that you will never be what you want to be, at least not completely in the way that you want to be it.  I can be pieces of what I want to be and I can only hope that those pieces will give me peace.  But it is up to me, to discover what I am and become the person that I want to be.  Sure, I may not be able to express myself the way that I desire to all the time, but maybe occasionally with the right group of people I can.  Or maybe it’s something I do alone.  I don’t know, yet.  Maybe all of us are really only ourselves when we are alone.  Or maybe the happy people just always feel like the way that most of us feel when we are alone.  I don’t know.  I don’t have all the answers.  All I know is that I don’t want to feel sorry for myself anymore.  I want to explore what I can and discover what I may.  I want to at least be the person I want to be on the inside. 

Who cares if people see me as different?  Who cares if people want to hurt me for being myself?  Who cares if people don’t understand me or don’t want to?  Who cares if my own brother doesn’t care about my life or who I am?  It is his loss if he doesn’t want to include me in his life.  I’ve always believed that you make your own family and I suppose that is the family I am interested in caring about at this point in my life. 

It’s time to get my life together.  It’s time to stop worrying about other people, but not in a bad way.  I still want to care, but I can’t take on everyone’s hurts, because mine are plenty enough for me to deal with.  I can only be me.  I cannot change the world, but I can change myself.  Maybe like the butterfly flapping its wings as it emerges from its cocoon this will create epic waves of change that I cannot even fathom.  Maybe it will make me happy, that of course will be change enough. 

I think that’s what I want… to be happy.  To look at the sky and pretend that I am free; to look at my body and pretend I am whole; to look into myself and pretend I am brave. 

I want to go dancing and fall in love. 

I hope you do too. 

Because maybe what the world needs now is more dancing. 

Love Always,

Noely

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