Today.

Today has been a strange day.  I didn’t get as much writing done as I would’ve liked on my own story.  But I did a lot of new stuff today.  I hung out with some people and I really interacted honestly.  Both of these things are hard for me.  But I woke up and made a choice to have a positive day.  And I did.  It sucks that I can’t solve the problems of everybody in my life, but that is not my responsibility.  I wish it were, but that’s a lot to carry.  There were moments today were I thought about drinking.  They were just so insidious and casual that I almost forgot that I am not drinking right now.  It’s a tough thing.  I just got done with day five… There was one moment when I really, actually, wanted to drink, I really craved it and contemplated it, but that moment has passed.  I haven’t given in and I am not giving up.  

I don’t know.  

I don’t have all the answers tonight.  

I won’t have them all in the morning.  

All I know is that if you are lucky enough to have people in your life that you love, then you need to tell them that.  

You need to let them know that you love them.  

You need to show them.  

You do what you can for the people that have bled with you.  

You do what you can to keep them true.  

To help them through.  

They are not your responsibility.  

They are not your burden to carry.  

You can’t expect to make everything better for them.  

You can’t expect to take all of the hurt away.  

It’s just like me.  I did this to myself.  It’s my responsibility to myself to fix it, that’s how I show that I love myself.  

Sometimes it’s just a kind word.  Sometimes it’s just lending a hand.  Sometimes it’s just being there.  

There is so much hurt in the world that I wish I could rip my heart open and let my blood flow out, because in my blood flows my love.  I hope there would be enough love there to flow out and make the world a better place, to take the hurt all away.  

I don’t know if this helps or hurts.  

I hope you know my truth…

Love Always

Noely

 

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