Lend me your ears…

And I’ll complain at them for a moment…. or two…

Everything is going wrong today… I don’t feel good.  I know why… the chemicals in my body are depleting and I feel really angsty and bi-polar.  Writing is going hard… music makes me sad… I feel depressed.  I have a strong urge to just give up right now.  Not to give up this whole life thing, but just to give up on improving myself.  It feels like such a hopeless, useless, waste of time.  Maybe I should just give up and wallow in my depravity.  That’s what one of the voices in my head is saying.  It is whispering like it always does.  It is louder today.  It’s message is clearer.  And it is the voice of depression.  It looks like a shadow.. it is a shade of formless darkness flitting across my soul…. 

And my body is icky today.  I don’t like being here anymore… in this lumbering wretched sack of meat that can’t even be like I want it to.  I feel huge waves of dis-phoria and dis-morphism.  I have dandruff… I have no tits… I have no vagina… I have no love… not even from myself… I am one of the broken people… and I sit in silence and I contemplate throwing all the progress away and it would be so easy… it would be so FUCKING easy… and I don’t know what to do… And I want to crawl somewhere… I want to crawl somewhere warm and hide and sleep and wait for it all to go away… 

I hope you are doing better than I am. 

I hope you are filled with love and beauty…

And seeing things I won’t ever have…

And I hope you feel good, right and true… 

Not everybody gets that you know? 

Love Always

Noely

 

 

 

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