Sometimes I go silent. Sometimes everything out in the world becomes too much. Sometimes it can just be hiding from the news of the world and all its tragedies, sometimes it is just hiding from the words, thoughts and comments of those people I know some of whom understand and accept and those who do not. It is strange being silent. It is nice sometimes because I can sit in my house, in my own little world and I can be whatever it is I desire to be at the moment. I can feel like a princess if that is my desire. I can dress in whatever clothes I feel comfortable in. That seems like such a small, ordinary thing, but when it is a rare special thing it becomes something quite different.
I didn’t drink yesterday. I didn’t really speak to anyone. I had a small chit-chat conversation when I purchased some groceries. For the rest of the day I stayed inside all day. I only ventured out toward one o’clock in the morning and it was so deathly quiet outside. It is always strange when the city is quiet. It makes you feel strange, as if you are the only person on the planet, because usually the presence of others is so prevelant in the city. I feel restored by my hiding, somehow. It is refreshing to be myself. It is restoritive to give myself completely over to who I feel I am.
I think that this is one of the hardest problems of being trans, is that there is the instinct to hide from the world. There is a very real reason that we must hide, because there is violence out there. There is violence in the language that people use to describe us. There is violence and dehumanization in how we are viewed. I think more of us need to speak out and we need to be vocal about our viewpoints and our self descriptions. We need to be true to ourselves and we need to create movements that are inclusive to everyone. I think that non trans folk, would be willing to accept us, but it is important that we don’t exclude them for being different, just as we don’t want them to exclude us for being different.
We are all in this together.
We should be able to make the world into what we want it to be.
That’s the world I want to live in.
One where clothing a person chooses to wear don’t matter.
One where Gender is chosen and explored in freedom from fear.
One day we will walk in that world and laugh and play in the sun…
Until that day…