I have been thinking a lot about my birthday. It was such a great time. I really felt accepted and I even felt pretty, which is something I am really longing to feel all the time. It seems sometimes that it is hard for me to achieve that prettiness and that even when I do achieve it, it is fleeting and elusive.
I got a purse for my birthday and I love it. I feel bad that I am too scared to wear it out. It is so pretty and I feel I am like letting it down and letting myself down too. My true self. You want to hear a secret? Well, I guess this is all secrets, huh? But sometimes at night I curl up with the purse and I just wish. It is like if I wish hard enough that I can fill it up with the same wish and then I will get to be what I really feel like I am.
When I was dressed up at the birthday party I was wearing this bra that made it look like I had real breasts! And that was such a cool feeling, I felt so pretty and right. Then later other people came by and each of them grabbed my breasts because they wanted to know what they felt like, but it was a crazy feeling. It was like I had not control over my body that it was really just an object that I had no rights to. And I realize that is probably the most womanly experience at all, but it breaks my heart. It makes me cry. Nobody should have to feel that way.
I hope for a brighter future for us all.