My old friend

I slipped on a drink yesterday and got really depressed.  I have been going to therapy and I have been trying to curb my drinking.  Therapy has been going really well.  I am getting through a lot of my issues.  My drinking has been erratic.  Somedays I do good and I feel good.  Sometimes I fail and I know I am failing in the moment and I feel bad. 

Last night I had racing thoughts that I couldn’t turn off and I couldn’t get away from.  One of them was about this list I am supposed to make for therapy about people I can call to help me not drink, but when I really need to, or to help me.  The list causes me such anxiety, because I can’t fill it with even one name.  I am trying really hard not to bring my problems to others I don’t feel like I should have to rely on anyone through this.  I did this to myself on my own.  Maybe I should fix this alone and on my own. 

The other thought that wouldn’t stop was a comment one of my friends said.  And it seems really nice and supportive on the surface, but there is also this whole just not understanding involved.  Yeah, I can look cute in my boy clothes, and I can look cute in my girl clothes.  And I can know who I am and sometimes I can feel that, but it’s this body.  This body is not the right body most of the time.  It’s not right for me.  The only thing I really like about this body is my mind, my brain. 

There are other just little comments people say that make me realize what I can never truly be.  I see what I can never really achieve.  I hear it all the time, everyday.  And it makes me sad.  I just don’t want to be confused anymore.  I want to know.  I want to be courageous.  I want to feel like a real girl.  I want to be a real girl.

I dreamed about taking hormones last night.  I’ve never done that before.  I also dreamed that I was naked in front of all my friends and they were pointing out all these things about my body that I don’t like.  Things that I know people notice. 

I don’t know if it was a dream or a nightmare. 

Dream a good dream for me. 

Love Always,

Noely

 

   

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