I slipped on a drink yesterday and got really depressed. I have been going to therapy and I have been trying to curb my drinking. Therapy has been going really well. I am getting through a lot of my issues. My drinking has been erratic. Somedays I do good and I feel good. Sometimes I fail and I know I am failing in the moment and I feel bad.
Last night I had racing thoughts that I couldn’t turn off and I couldn’t get away from. One of them was about this list I am supposed to make for therapy about people I can call to help me not drink, but when I really need to, or to help me. The list causes me such anxiety, because I can’t fill it with even one name. I am trying really hard not to bring my problems to others I don’t feel like I should have to rely on anyone through this. I did this to myself on my own. Maybe I should fix this alone and on my own.
The other thought that wouldn’t stop was a comment one of my friends said. And it seems really nice and supportive on the surface, but there is also this whole just not understanding involved. Yeah, I can look cute in my boy clothes, and I can look cute in my girl clothes. And I can know who I am and sometimes I can feel that, but it’s this body. This body is not the right body most of the time. It’s not right for me. The only thing I really like about this body is my mind, my brain.
There are other just little comments people say that make me realize what I can never truly be. I see what I can never really achieve. I hear it all the time, everyday. And it makes me sad. I just don’t want to be confused anymore. I want to know. I want to be courageous. I want to feel like a real girl. I want to be a real girl.
I dreamed about taking hormones last night. I’ve never done that before. I also dreamed that I was naked in front of all my friends and they were pointing out all these things about my body that I don’t like. Things that I know people notice.
I don’t know if it was a dream or a nightmare.
Dream a good dream for me.