Sometimes it just feels like this is too much to try and do. If it is this hard dealing with the understanding and loving people who actually do care about me, what can I expect when I have to deal with the bigots and the religious zealots? That’s the part I don’t even have the courage to deal with, every time I think of it I am filled with anxiety and fear. Why would somebody want to hurt Noely? She’s a good girl, right? I think so. I really just want the world to understand me and love me. I want to understand and love myself. I want not to have to feel everything all the time. I want the little things not to upset me. I just don’t know if that can happen.
I want there not to be questions. Or answers. Or misunderstandings. Or explanations. Can we live together in such a world? Can we dance, sing and play in the sunshine together and forget that we are supposed to be adults and love like children love? Can’t we accept like children accept? Understand as children do?
I have the No Doubt song, Don’t Speak stuck in my head today. Or maybe it’s in my heart. But I really feel like I am losing my best friend. I already lost a best friend once. Cancer took him away. Somehow this feels worse because there is a choice involved. I get that it’s a lot of work and that it is a struggle to understand how I am, especially to people that don’t have to think about it. But it’s also a lot of work for me. It’s a lot of struggle to be so different. There are things that I Know I will never get to experience. I will never get to know what it feels like to be a “real” girl. Even if I went through surgery and all of that I wouldn’t get to experience all of the hardships, joys and beauty of womanhood. In some ways I will always be a freak. That’s a hard pill to swallow.
I think maybe I might be better off if I just repress all of this again. Sure I would be really sad, but I could just bury those emotions and not feel anything ever again. Maybe that would be better for everyone. Maybe I wasn’t meant to be how I am. Maybe I am not meant to be happy. Maybe I am not worthy of that. Maybe this is just some supreme cosmic punishment for wrongs in another life. I’ve already lost a best friend once… I don’t think I can do that again. This is why I was so closed off and didn’t make friends again, didn’t get close, because in the end they can always leave. And then you’re just another broken person limping along only half full. It’s lonely as hell, but eventually it doesn’t hurt. This time there are two people at stake as well. I don’t know if I can handle an either/or situation, unfortunately it seems like an all or nothing thing, but of course only the Sith deal in absolutes. There should be a compromise. There is. I just have to find it.
I also figured out my brother doesn’t want to know me even as I appear to be now. So why would he even want to know about this whole other life. It’s his loss, somebody told me. And sometimes I do feel like that bright, caring, beautiful, intelligent girl, that everybody should know and love. But then there are times when I see myself as I think the world would really see me: as an ugly, vile thing that should be scorned and hated.
I don’t know what your world is like. I don’t know what your sky looks like or how it makes you feel. I hope that you sometimes are in a meadow on a hill and the sun is setting and you know the beauty of the world. And I hope you think of me then. And I hope I think of you when I feel that way. And in that small, short, moment we can be together as we really are. And we can understand each other completely. And there is no anger, nor hurt, nor sadness. In that moment there is only hope and togetherness. There is love, alive in that moment. That is what I dearly want.
I don’t know what you think of Noely, but I wish I did. Because it’s hard over here sometimes. And I need some friends who can just understand.
I hope you are well and you are grateful for the people that love you, because they aren’t guarantees, they are bonuses.