Trying to figure me out.

Sorry I didn’t manage to write anything last week.  I know there are only a couple of people who follow this blog and I really appreciate that.  Your support means a lot to me.  I have been having a lot of trouble with internet at my place lately.  The real problem however was last week I was having a real problem  knowing exactly who I am. 

I don’t really know how to describe it, but I just don’t ever feel right when I am on my own.  When I go to work I know who I am, well, at least I know who I am expected to be.  I have parameters that I have to operate within.  When I am on my own I don’t know how to just be.  I don’t ever really feel comfortable.  When I am with my friends I also know how to act.  I know I can act in any way that I want and they will accept me, but it is when I am on my own that I run into trouble. 

It’s weird of the friends I have told about what I am going through, I feel like there are some who don’t believe and then there are people who don’t really understand it.  I have one person in my life that I think really accepts it and tries to understands it as best as they can and they definitely believe it.

A friend of mine pointed out some stuff using big words that I am going to try and repeat.  He said my ideal self doesn’t match up with my perceived self.  It was something like that.  I really felt like understood what that meant.  I really identified with in in the moment.  It is hard to explain.  I am trying really hard to figure out how to be me in a way that makes me feel like myself if that makes any sense. 

This week is going better so far.  Of course I am writing this during the day during work time.  So I’ll have to let you know after I get some alone time.  I really want to try and write everyday for you guys, but life is pretty busy.  If anybody has any advice or just something supportive to say I would love to hear it. 

Anyways, thanks for listening to me ramble. 

Love Always,
Noely

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