Stupid shit people say.

People say a lot of dumb shit.  And some of it is hurtful.  And they don’t even know they are being hurtful, because it is so ingrained in them that the way that they live their life is normal.  But there is no normal.  Because we are not all the same.  We are all individuals.  We each have out own unique skills and we each have our quirks and our proclivities too.  These are not things that should fill us with shame, but rather these things should fill us with pride.  These aren’t the things that make us ugly, but rather the things that make us beautiful.  Like why is it okay for somebody to question your sexuality just because you are looking at cutesy things on the internet?  Does this really have anything to do with my sexuality or my sexual identity?  Does it really even have anything to do with my gender or how I identify my gender?  And even if there is some connection what business is it of yours?  Why do you feel that you should make me feel bad about it?  Is it just because I’m not what you consider “normal” to be?  Is it because I am not like you?  Are you frightened that I have figured out something that you might like?  If only you weren’t afraid to try? 

 
I lived for a good long part of my life repressing my true self and hating any part of me that didn’t fall into what society believes is normal.  I wouldn’t even allow myself to feel emotions, other than ones that I deemed to be masculine emotions such as hatred and anger.  I would allow myself to feel love but only in a romantic sense toward women or towards family or really close friends, but even my love I did not project outwardly.  I kept it inside.  Along with my hatred and my rage.  And I hated myself.  And I tried many, many times and many, many ways to destroy myself.  I was raging against myself.  I was raging on the inside.  But I would showcase my anger and my rage, because these were seemingly manly qualities.  I drifted through life in a constant state of depression for twenty years.  Sometimes the depression would become so intense that I would contemplate killing myself just to end it all.  Just to not have to feel anymore.  Just to not have to be angry anymore.  Just to be free of hate.  I just wanted to be free and I felt that my body was the prison.  But it wasn’t.  My mind was the prison.  I just needed to open up myself and accept myself.  Then I was free.  I am still trying to learn how to be free, completely, but I am getting there.  I accept myself and I am reaching out to people.  I am yearning for acceptance and understanding, from others, but I also know that I have it from myself. 

So the best I can say is that this life is a struggle.  I am glad that I didn’t give in.  I am glad I have persevered.  I wish I would’ve accepted myself long ago, because it would have saved me a lot of pain and heartache.  The best I can tell you is that it does get better.  Even if no one else understands you, I do.  And you are a special, unique, beautiful person, no matter what anyone tells you.  So be yourself.  Because your the only one that can be you.  And you aren’t you, then the world is deprived of something wondrous and pretty.  And we need more pretty things. 

IT DOES GET BETTER!  

And I don’t want to live in a world without you! 

I hope you feel the same. 

Love always,
Noely

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