It is strange being a person. It seems as if the goal of life is to figure out who we are and where we are going. We pursue happiness and we create goals for ourselves so that we might be able to find purpose in our meandering wanderings upon this planet. Discovering yourself and your place in the world is only made more difficult by the fact that there are so many other people who exist on this planet and they all have their own ideas about how it is to live right and live correctly.
I don’t think that there is a way to live correctly. Well, if there is a way it is something that the individual has to figure out for themselves. Being happy, being free, being accepted; these are all things that I want for myself. These are things I am trying to achieve in my life. It is the relationships I have with other people that make it difficult to become what I have discovered recently that I am.
I think I always secretly wanted to be normal, but I wanted normalcy in the same way that I want a nicely sculpted body. I wanted to be normal without ever having to work at it. I always kind of hoped that one day I would just wake up and bam, it would happen: I would be normal. I am thirty one years old and I am looking back on my life and realizing that I have never done anything to be normal. I have never done anything to conform completely with what society aligns as normal. I have tried to conform in small ways, but I have always felt like I existed on the fringes of society.
This has caused me to have much social anxiety and social awkwardness. I often don’t know how to act in situations that involve social conventions to be adhered to. I am always afraid that I will say or do something wrong and my entire disguise will flutter away and I will be revealed for what I truly am.
That is the way that I always felt, because I was scared and ashamed of who I really was inside. I am learning to become who I am really am, but it is a difficult process. I am still trying to figure out things that first manifested when I was thirteen. I am finally acknowledging and dealing with those things. I am finally learning how to be me.
My name is Maryana Noel “Noely” Reese and I am a genderqueer person. I will explain what exactly that means to me in just a second. I’d just like to take a second first to explain the correct pronunciation of my names. Maryana is pretty self explanatory it’s Mary with an Ana at the end. Noel is just like the Christmas bit: No El. Noely, though is like the guy’s name Noel with a y on the end. It is very hard to explain without having sounds. Anyways, people usually get confused when they see them in writing, but I hope this clears it up for you.
Alright, genderqueer. I have recently discovered this term and I have recently discovered that I identify with it. But I am trying hard not to define myself strictly by this term. Sometimes we get too caught up in labels to see the beautiful people that we really are or at least that we can be. All we see is labels and that is not what makes a person. A person is comprised of so much more intelligence, beauty, depth, hope and compassion than any mere label could produce. Genderqueer people are people that feel that they don’t fit into the binary gender roles. Some of us feel like we were born a boy or a girl, but on the inside we feel like the opposite gender. Some of us feel like their is no gender. Some of us feel like gender is fluid and that a person can be anything. The most important part to remember is that gender is a concept that is created by society. It has nothing to do with your genetic make up or your sexual identity, it has to do with how you feel on the inside and how you identify yourself.
In this blog I would like to explore what genderqueer is and what gender can be. I will also be sharing my personal stories. I hope that you will follow me with an open mind and an open heart. Maybe then we can start understanding each other. Maybe then we can put aside our differences and focus on our similarities. Maybe then we can finally come together to make this world a better place for all of us to live; a place where nobody needs to live in fear and everyone can be free to be whom they really are.
I hope so,