Hometown

So I came back to visit my hometown because it is Father’s Day this weekend.  My hometown is this really small town and I haven’t really felt exactly comfortable here for quite a few years.  There are some aspects of coming home that I really like.  I like getting to see old friends.  I like to hang out with the family.  I like to breath the clean air.  I like to see the stars.  I like to visit the trees that I have known in our shared lifetimes upon this lush green land. 

There is always a sense of longing when I come home.  I lost somebody very special and close to my heart here several years ago.  Coming here always stirs up some of those same emotions.  I can recall a million places and things I did with this person, but while some of them are happy moments and great memories, they always fill me with a deep longing.  I wish they were here with me still, I wish they were here with me now. 

The other part of coming back home that fills me with anxiety is my whole recent revelation that I am a genderqueer person and that I am a trans person.  I am still trying to figure out all the ins and outs of that.  I am still trying to understand what I need to do to be happy with these aspects of myself.  That is hard on its own.  I’ve got people that support me and that appreciate the changes I am going through, but I am not quite ready to tell my parents yet.  I am worried about what they will think or what they will say.  Ideally I would like them to welcome me with open arms and I think that perhaps they will.  But, I am sure there will be the awkward moment where they say the wrong thing and my feelings get a little hurt or I have to try and explain myself to them.  I am trying to prepare myself for moments like that.  I think it will happen, but I need to figure out where I am at as much as possible for I tell them what is going on.  That is a rough one, because sometimes it feels like just by not telling them exactly what is going on that I am lying to them or that I am hiding something.  I’m not lying to them, but I am hiding something.  So there is some guilt there, perhaps rightfully so.   

I grew up in a small town, but currently I live in a big city.  Coming back home always has its anxieties. 

I live alone.  So for me being around other people constantly is always stressful.  It’s usually enjoyable as long as it is only for a few days, but then I always have to go back home and learn how to be alone again without feeling lonely.  There is a trick to that, that I haven’t quite mastered yet.  It usually takes me a while to get back in the swing of things when I get home.  There is also, not a lot to do down here.  I am basically just kickin’ it around the house.  In the city there is always something going on.  Also nighttime out here is a strange and terrible phenomenon.  I don’t sleep well out here.  It gets entirely too dark at night.  And there is virtually no noise.  I have been living in the city for far too long.  If I don’t hear gunshots and sirens in the distance, I just don’t feel safe.  Yeah, I know: irony! 

      

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