Hometown II

I don’t know what happened to the original Hometown post.  It was supposed to be about twice as long as that.  Maybe there is a word count limit?  I don’t know.  It’s possible I messed something up.  I am super new here!  If anybody has any helpful advice I’d love to hear it.  I’m just kind of flying all outta control here.   

I will try and remember what the rest of the post was about. 

I feel the people here are very oppressive.  There is a lot of pressure to be like everyone else here.  There is a lot of pressure to be Christian.  There is a lot of pressure to be “normal”.  What ever normal is.  I don’t think any of us are really “normal”.  Well, I take that back.  I think we are all “normal” or we are all fucked up.  Either way everything is okay as long as you aren’t hurting somebody else. 

I don’t feel comfortable enough in my life yet to go about dressed in a way that suits my gender identity, but I feel that if I were to do it in the city it would be safer than down here.  Even though I live in a pretty rough part of the city I still think people there care less about what other people are doing than they do down here.  Here there is a lot of judgment that has violent undertones to it.  There is a certain feeling of : you will be like me, or you will not be.  That’s kind of scary. 

Me and my dad drove around town for a bit and he showed me everything that’s changed.  Whenever this happens I always hear a snippet of a Beatles song in my head: “I took a walk down by the old school… nothing has changed!  It’s still the same,” and that’s how I feel coming here.  It always seems like nothing has changed even though it is completely different here now.  But the people are still the same.  It’s just the buildings that have changed.  Well, I guess I’ve changed too.  But there is still the pervasive feeling that my lifestyle would seem wrong here.  That’s why its taken me so long to be true to myself, because I always so scared of what people here would think or do. 

I guess it is like that old saying: “The more things change, the more they stay the same.”  I’m not sure exactly what that means.  It seems seductive in its simplicity, but it is really a complex concept.  I’m not sure I understand it, but I believe in it. 

The simplest words and concepts can give you the most trouble.  Freedom, happiness, masculine, feminine, male, female, gender, gender identity, and even home.  I used to think this was home.  I used to think home was a place.  It was a physical thing that I could return to.  I don’t feel that way anymore.  I knew home once, but not anymore.  I only get moments of home.  These will be times when I am with people I really love.  When we are connecting or laughing or loving or simply being.  That is home to me now.  I have to enjoy these moments when they come because moments are fleeting.  Every moment we are always different.  This is a great and wonderful thing because at any moment the future can be brighter.  At any moment we can be better. 

At least that’s what I want to believe. 

I hope you do too. 

Love, 

Noely

     

 

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